So, a lot of people think the world’s going to end next year. Among those people, apparently, is George Lucas.
According to actor Seth Rogen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg recently met with him regarding a movie, and Rogen reported that Lucas “sits down and seriously proceeds to talk for around 25 minutes about how he thinks the world is gonna end in the year 2012, like, for real. He thinks it. He’s going on about the tectonic plates and all the time Spielberg is, like, rolling his eyes, like, ’My nerdy friend won’t shut up, I’m sorry…”
Rogen then asked Lucas if he was building a spaceship to escape Earth’s destruction. “He claimed he didn’t have a spaceship,” said Rogen, “but there’s no doubt there’s a Millennium Falcon in a garage somewhere with a pilot just waiting to go. It’s gonna be him and Steven Spielberg and I’ll be blown up like the rest of us.”
Lucas: "We out, bitches!" Spielberg: "George, you so crazy."
I have a love/hate relationship with apocalypse and conspiracy theories. On one hand, I usually can’t stand conspiracy theorists, especially ones that harp on important historical events that have been proven and reproven over and over again, like 9/11 “Truthers,” people who don’t think we really landed on the moon, etc. However, I can’t get enough of the bizarre world of the truly insane conspiracists (Is that a word? Well, it is now.) Below are nine of my favorite theories and the people associated with them (in no particular order):
9. David Icke/The Reptoids
Some people believe the world is run by a secret cabal of powerful families known as “The Illuminati.” Some believe shadowy religious sects are behind all the major events in world history. Ex-BBC personality David Icke, however, really has it figured out. It’s not the Rockefellers, it’s not Zemu and his wacky band of thetans: it’s the underground lizard people known as Reptoids (also: reptiloids or draconians).
Ickes contends that 5-12 foot tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system are currently living in the Hollow Earth (See theory #8) and control most of the world.
So, the world is controlled by the Sleestaks from "Land of the Lost."
Among those who Ickes and his followers claim are Reptoids are the British Royal family, the Bush family, and pretty much every other important political and religious figure of the last 2,000 years or so.
Huh. Maybe he's onto something after all....
According to Icke, in an interview with The Spectrum in 1999, the Sleestaks intervened in the “Royal lines” of the Near and Middle East 5,000 years ago, creating alien/human hybrids. Per Ickes’ impeccable (I’m sure) research, William of Orange, “to whom every surviving Royal Family in Europe is related,” was one of these hybrids, and “[a]ccording to Burke’s Peerage, the bible of Aristocratic and Royal genealogy based in London, every American election since and including George Washington, in 1789, has been won by the candidate with the most European Royal genes. 33 of the 42 are genetically related to two people: Charlemagne (King), the most famous monarch of what we call France, and Alfred the Great, the King of England.”
So, what’s the proof that all the world’s major politicians and royals are really giant lizards in disguise?
Well for one thing, that's what happened in "V." That was a documentary, right?
No, his arguments were based on much more powerful evidence than an awesome 80’s miniseries: he knows there are lizard-people here because, you know, people have told him so.
Anecdotal “Proof” No. 1: Icke claims that he met a personal friend of Princess Diana named Christine Fitzgerald, who told him that Diana had told her that the Windsor family were “reptiles.” “‘She used to say, in all seriousness, “They are NOT human!”‘” Icke went on to say that “Christine Fitzgerald went on to tell me: ‘You know, the Windsors are a reptilian line, they’re not human.'”
Anecdotal “Proof” No. 2: Per Ickes, “I was in Vancouver, speaking, and I met about 4 or 5 people who told me the same story, including a business woman, who is a real feet-on-the-ground, you know, power-dressing kind of 5,000 clients business woman. And she said she had this relationship with a guy who was Portuguese, and he just turned into a reptile in front of her.”
OK, really, who hasn’t had that happen? I dated at least three girls who turned into reptiles in front of me before I met Wifebread.
This was actually my business card for a short period of time.
Anecdotal “Proof” No. 3: Ickes claims that a woman named Cathy O’Brien, co-author of the book Trance-formation Of America…
Looks totally legit to me, and not at all like the kind of thing you'd sell out of the trunk of your car at a flea market. Nope. Not at all.
…told him that George Bush himself personally informed her “that they were an extraterrestrial race that came from a ‘far off space place’who’d taken over the world, and no one realized it because they look human. But, she said, he changed in front of her into a reptile.”
Because that sounds EXACTLY like that kind of thing an ancient lizard-alien posing as a human and subsequently elected president of the United States would do: expose his race’s 5,000 year old secret to…this chick.
"I'm not crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"
Finally, Ickes reassured his interviewer that, “…when I talk about reptilians, I am not talking about all reptilians. I’m talking about a particular group. I’m sure the reptilian form is a massive constant across great chunks of this galaxy and beyond, and I’m certainly not saying that anyone in reptilian form-any time anyone sees anyone in reptilian form, and there are a lot of people who do-and say, ‘I didn’t get bad vibes from them.’ [B]ecause we’re not talking about ALL reptilians, we’re talking a group that appears to take a reptilian form because that’s how people keep seeing these people in power.”
That’s right, kids: not all reptillian aliens masquerading as humans are evil. Just the ones named Bush….
The “fact” that these reptilliodians supposedly live within the Earth bumps against one of my other favorite theories:
8. Hollow Earth Theory
The Hollow Earth hypothesis proposes that the planet Earth is…well, hollow. One of the first proponents of Hollow Earth was Edmond Halley.
Yeah, the comet guy.
In 1692, he proposed that the Earth consisted of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core. According to Halley, atmospheres separate these shells, each shell has its own magnetic poles, and the spheres rotate at different speeds. Halley proposed this scheme in order to explain anomalous compass readings.
"Something's screwing this thing up. It's either the magnetic bracelet I wear for my tennis elbow, or the Earth consists of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core, with atmospheres separating the shells, each shell having its own magnetic poles. Probably that second thing."
In 1818, John Cleves Symmes, Jr. suggested that the Earth consisted of a hollow shell 800 miles thick (those insecure Hollow Earth theorists, always having to have a thicker shell than the other guy). Symmes became the most famous of the early Hollow Earth proponents after proposing and expedition to find a hole into the Earth he theorized would be at the North Pole. None other than President John Quincy Adams indicated he would approve of this, but Andrew Jackson replaced him as President before the expedition could be mounted.
Andrew Jackson is not putting up with your bullsh*t.
The Nazi era Thule Society reported much about Tibetan myths of openings into the Earth. There is even a theory that Hitler ordered a research journey for such an opening in Antarctica, but hey, Hitler believed a lot of freaky crap.
Everything I know about the Thule Society, I learned from watching "Hellboy" umpteen billion times. Great flick.
There are even claims that he bought into “concave hollow earth theory” (the idea that, not only is the Earth hollow, but we actually live inside it, with the sun at the center of the cavity) to the point that, at one point, he sent an expedition to spy on the British fleet by pointing infrared cameras up at the sky, in an apparent attempt to see through Earth’s hollow core to the British ships located above him. Did I mention he was a little crazy?
Not "fun crazy," either. Just crazy.
In my mind, however, the King of the Hollow Earthers was “Dr. Raymond Bernard,” the pseudonym of Dr.Walter Siegmeister (Why would you go with a pseudonym when you already have such an awesome name?). His 1964 book, The Hollow Earth,claimed that “the inhabitants of Atlantis took refuge in the Earth’s interior before the city was destroyed in great calamity. It was Atlanteans who piloted the flying machines known in ancient India as vimanas and in the modern world as flying saucers. After the US bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Bernard claimed, the Atlanteans became concerned that radioactive air might flow into the world’s interior, and so some emerged in their flying saucers in an act of self-defense.”
There you have it: hollow Earth, Atlantis, UFOs, and World War II, all in one story.
Kinda like this, which is actually pretty awesome.
If we could only get George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to turn that into a movie instead of worrying about 2012….
Tomorrow: More crazy crap, including…Which horror writer really killed John Lennon? And the Middle Ages never happened!
REMINDER: For a FREE PDF of the first 1 1/2 chapters of my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!!, just write me at firstname.lastname@example.org and ask for it! You don’t even have to say “please!” (Although that would be nice.)