I did it! I really, really did it!

So, it’s been a while. How you doin’?

It usually takes me an inordinate amount of time to write a blog entry: thinking of a timely topic, trying to put my particular spin on said topic, finding funny yet relevant pictures, making sure I don’t include too many “Hitler” or “fart” jokes…it just burns up a lot of time. Hence no updates in…what, a couple of years? Yikes.

To streamline things a bit, I’ve decided to kill two birds with one stone by writing my entries while walking on the treadmill. Because there’s nothing to look at in the gym except my co-workers jumping around like idiots to the latest exercise video, and that’s just too damn traumatizing for everyone involved. But mostly me. Which is what I care about.

So without further ado, here’s today’s short, non-illustrated, non-topical blog entry:

Fifteen Phrases You’ll Never Read in a Movie Review

15. Matt Damon’s innate intelligence shines through.

14. This film firmly establishes Tobey Maguire and Elijah Wood as the new Schwarzenegger and Stallone.

13. Judd Apatow’s “Miracle on 34th Street” reminds us of everything that’s pure and sacred about the holiday season.

12. Shaquille O’Neal inhabits the role of Hamlet like no one since Sir Laurence Olivier.

11. Rene Zellweger smolders.

10. Michael Cera is a revelation.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow is not annoying at all. Seriously.

8. Kristen Stewart is laugh-out-loud funny.

7. M. Night Shyamalan’s latest triumph.

6. Nic Cage totally didn’t take this role because he needed the money.

5. Jackie Chan brings a real sense of authority and gravitas to the role of Christ.

4. Michael Bay’s Pride and Prejudice is a masterpiece of subtle direction.

3. Keanu Reeves is Gandhi.

2. Lucy Liu proves once again that she is her generation’s Meryl Streep.

1. Niki Minaj will make you believe that an otter can fly.

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