So, it’s almost the first of the year, and I’m still too busy playing with my new Nook to write any in-depth blog entries. Instead, here’s a list of my 50, count ’em 50 New Year’s resolutions. Enjoy, and I’ll see everyone next year!
1. Lose weight.
3. Stop cutting off Asian women in traffic “as revenge for Pearl Harbor.”
4. Convert to Islam, steal all their recipes, convert back.
5. Tell family the bank has foreclosed on our house. Pack everything, put furniture in storage, and move out. After three days in hotel, announce “Just kidding!” and move back home.
6. Swear more. A lot more.
7. Help reduce/care for the homeless pet population by feeding stray cats to stray dogs. Win/win.
8. Stop pooping on neighbor’s lawn every time she lets her yippy little dog poop on mine.
9. Be more narcissistic.
10. Subject Wifebread to fewer “Dutch ovens.”
11. Teach Biscuit to stand on street corner wearing an eye patch an a wooden leg, saying “Aaargh, can ye spare some doubloons for an old sea dog?”
12. Stop stalking Fred Willard. Start stalking Kelesy Grammar.
13. Stop impregnating Wifebread every 10 months.
14. Read more tawdry crime novels.
15. Refer to all women as “it/its” instead of “she/her.”
16. Refer to all men as “Broseph.”
17. Try to get my name and picture on the grocery store cash register as one of the “Do not take checks from…” guys.
18. Use the word “honkey” more often in reference to myself.
19. Wrestle two midgets at once.
20. Eat an entire jar of Marshmallow Fluff just to see what my poo looks like the next day.
21. Spend less time worrying about Africanized bees.
22. Create a safe room stocked with shotguns and canned goods. When people ask what it’s for, just say “zombies,” then spit and walk away.
23. Write another book that no one wants to buy.
24. Ask everyone at work if I can borrow a “unimalichidor.” Be insulting and dismissive when they say they don’t know what that is.
25. Randomly spank my kids and tell them “That’s for nothin’. Don’t do somethin.'”
26. Approach a minority, start telling an offensive joke about their race. Halfway through, stop, squint eyes, and lean in until my face is inches from theirs, then turn and silently walk away.
27. Give out free gynecological exams in a rented storage unit. I mean, hey, it worked for this guy.
28. Be more of a pompous, pseudointellectual ass: carry an unlit pipe everywhere, wear corduroy jackets with leather elbow patches, and liberally quote Kierkegaard and Nietzsche.
29. Take Biscuit and Cupcake to PetSmart, try to enroll them in obedience classes.
30. Walk into local PETA branch with pizza box and loudly ask, “Who ordered the ‘Meat Lover’s’?”
31. Constantly talk about “all the good things Hitler did.”
32. Wear roller skates everywhere, tell people I’m “in training.” When they ask for what, just roll my eyes and skate away.
33. Learn as much about an obscure sport as possible, keep trying to engage people in conversation about it:
Me: Did you see the polo match on ESPN 12 last night? US versus Argentina?
Me: Man, it pissed me off. The pivot fouled in the third chukker and the ref totally blew the call. I was livid.
Coworker: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know how many times I have to tell y….”
Me: USPA! USPA!
34. Remind random strangers the world’s going to end on 12/21/2012, then flash my handgun and ask if they “want to go out in style.”
35. Start going to work with an Italian sausage shoved down the front of my pants, act like I have no idea what people are staring at.
36. Start going to work with an Italian sausage shoved down the back of my pants, act like I have no idea what people are staring at.
37. Use confusing, made-up acronyms, refuse to explain them. “I can’t believe he did that! I was totally M5CLQ. I mean, really.”
38. Legally change my name to Grizzle McFizzle, ask Wifebread if she’d make me the happiest man alive an become Mrs. McFizzle.
39. Go on long, violent, curse-filled diatribes about the metric system.
40. At work, start yelling out the time once an hour, but not on the hour. “IT’S TWO SEVENTEEN, EVERYONE! TWO SEVENTEEN!”
41. Try to convince people I invented canned tuna. Rail against “dolphin-safe” tuna, saying it “goes against the spirit of putting tuna in a can in the first place, damn it all.”
42. Eat more Spam. It’s spiced ham, people. How could that possibly taste bad?
43. Go into Dollar General, have them ring up $2,000 worth of crap, then say all I have to pay with are temporary third-party out of state postdated bad checks.
44. Drink more, yell a lot, then tell my daughter it’s because she cries.
45. Start a rumor involving LeBron James, Miley Cyrus, and the gear shift form a 1985 Ford Escort. See how long it takes TMZ or Perez Hilton to report it as fact.
46. Photoshop a guy’s face into my wife’s place in the pictures on my desk. When coworkers ask about it, say I’ve always been married to Ricardo and if they don’t stop commenting on it, I’m going to sue them all for harassment.
47. Dress up like Gandalf, go to airport, and stand at the end of the moving walkway, yelling, “You cannot pass! I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! The dark fire will not avail you, Flam of Udun! go back to the shadow! You shall not pass!” Slam staff down dramatically, see how long it takes TSA to respond.
48. Take skydiving lessons. Just as we’re jumping out of the plane on my first tandem jump, tell instructor onto whose back I’m strapped, “I gotta go number one. Real bad.”
49. Buy a sailor hat, make people refer to me as “Commodore.”
50. Stop making lists of things to do and not do.
REMINDER: You can get a PDF of the first 1 1/2 chapters of my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!! just by writing me at firstname.lastname@example.org and asking for it! Your address will not be shared, sold, added to a mailing list, or otherwise used for anything other than sending you this FREE sample of my book.