Reptiles and Nazis and UFO’s, oh my!

So, a lot of people think the world’s going to end next year.  Among those people, apparently, is George Lucas.

According to actor Seth Rogen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg recently met with him regarding a movie, and Rogen reported that Lucas “sits down and seriously proceeds to talk for around 25 minutes about how he thinks the world is gonna end in the year 2012, like, for real.  He thinks it.  He’s going on about the tectonic plates and all the time Spielberg is, like, rolling his eyes, like, ’My nerdy friend won’t shut up, I’m sorry…”

Rogen then asked Lucas if he was building a spaceship to escape Earth’s destruction.  “He claimed he didn’t have a spaceship,” said Rogen, “but there’s no doubt there’s a Millennium Falcon in a garage somewhere with a pilot just waiting to go.  It’s gonna be him and Steven Spielberg and I’ll be blown up like the rest of us.”

Lucas: "We out, bitches!" Spielberg: "George, you so crazy."

I have a love/hate relationship with apocalypse and conspiracy theories.  On one hand, I usually can’t stand conspiracy theorists, especially ones that harp on important historical events that have been proven and reproven over and over again, like 9/11 “Truthers,” people who don’t think we really landed on the moon, etc.  However, I can’t get enough of the bizarre world of the truly insane conspiracists (Is that a word?  Well, it is now.)  Below are nine of my favorite theories and the people associated with them (in no particular order):

9. David Icke/The Reptoids

Some people believe the world is run by a secret cabal of powerful families known as “The Illuminati.”  Some believe shadowy religious sects are behind all the major events in world history.  Ex-BBC personality David Icke, however, really has it figured out.  It’s not the Rockefellers, it’s not Zemu and his wacky band of thetans: it’s the underground lizard people known as Reptoids (also: reptiloids or draconians).

Ickes contends that 5-12 foot tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system are currently living in the Hollow Earth (See theory #8) and control most of the world.

So, the world is controlled by the Sleestaks from "Land of the Lost."

Among those who Ickes and his followers claim are Reptoids are the British Royal family, the Bush family, and pretty much every other important political and religious figure of the last 2,000 years or so.

Huh. Maybe he's onto something after all....

According to Icke, in an interview with The Spectrum in 1999, the Sleestaks intervened in the “Royal lines” of the Near and Middle East 5,000 years ago, creating alien/human hybrids. Per Ickes’ impeccable (I’m sure) research, William of Orange, “to whom every surviving Royal Family in Europe is related,” was one of these hybrids, and “[a]ccording to  Burke’s Peerage, the bible of Aristocratic and  Royal  genealogy  based in  London,  every  American election since and including  George Washington, in 1789, has been won  by the  candidate with the  most European Royal  genes. 33 of  the 42  are  genetically related  to two  people: Charlemagne  (King), the most  famous monarch of what  we call France, and Alfred  the  Great, the  King  of  England.”

So, what’s the proof that all the world’s major politicians and royals are really giant lizards in disguise?

Well for one thing, that's what happened in "V." That was a documentary, right?

No, his arguments were based on much more powerful evidence than an awesome 80’s miniseries: he knows there are lizard-people here because, you know, people have told him so.

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 1: Icke claims that he met a personal friend of Princess Diana named Christine Fitzgerald, who told him that Diana had told her that the Windsor family were “reptiles.”  “‘She used to say, in all seriousness, “They are NOT human!”‘”  Icke went on to say that “Christine Fitzgerald went on to tell me: ‘You know, the Windsors are a reptilian line, they’re not human.'”

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 2: Per Ickes, “I was in Vancouver, speaking, and I met about 4 or 5 people who told me the same story, including a business woman, who is a real feet-on-the-ground, you know, power-dressing kind of 5,000 clients business woman. And she said she had this  relationship with a guy who was Portuguese, and he just turned into a reptile in front of her.”

OK, really, who hasn’t had that happen?  I dated at least three girls who turned into reptiles in front of me before I met Wifebread.

This was actually my business card for a short period of time.

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 3:  Ickes claims that a woman named Cathy O’Brien, co-author of the book Trance-formation Of America…

Looks totally legit to me, and not at all like the kind of thing you'd sell out of the trunk of your car at a flea market. Nope. Not at all.

…told him that George Bush himself personally informed her “that they were an extraterrestrial race that came from a ‘far off space place’who’d taken over the world, and no one realized it because they look human. But, she said, he changed in  front of her into a reptile.”

Because that sounds EXACTLY like that kind of thing an ancient lizard-alien posing as a human and subsequently elected president of the United States would do: expose his race’s 5,000 year old secret to…this chick.

"I'm not crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"

Finally, Ickes reassured his interviewer that, “…when I talk about reptilians, I am not talking about all reptilians.  I’m talking about a particular group. I’m sure the reptilian form is a massive constant across great chunks of this galaxy and beyond, and I’m certainly not saying that anyone in reptilian form-any time anyone sees anyone in reptilian form, and there are a lot of people who do-and say, ‘I didn’t get bad vibes from them.’  [B]ecause we’re not talking about ALL reptilians, we’re talking a group that appears to take a reptilian form because that’s how people keep seeing these people in power.”

That’s right, kids: not all reptillian aliens masquerading as humans are evil.  Just the ones named Bush….

The “fact” that these reptilliodians supposedly live within the Earth bumps against one of my other favorite theories:

8. Hollow Earth Theory

The Hollow Earth hypothesis proposes that the planet Earth is…well, hollow.  One of the first proponents of Hollow Earth was Edmond Halley.

Yeah, the comet guy.

In 1692, he proposed that the Earth consisted of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core.   According to Halley, atmospheres separate these shells, each shell has its own magnetic poles, and the spheres rotate at different speeds. Halley proposed this scheme in order to explain anomalous compass readings.

"Something's screwing this thing up. It's either the magnetic bracelet I wear for my tennis elbow, or the Earth consists of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core, with atmospheres separating the shells, each shell having its own magnetic poles. Probably that second thing."

In 1818, John Cleves Symmes, Jr. suggested that the Earth consisted of a hollow shell 800 miles thick (those insecure Hollow Earth theorists, always having to have a thicker shell than the other guy). Symmes became the most famous of the early Hollow Earth proponents after proposing and expedition to find a hole into the Earth he theorized would be at the North Pole.  None other than President John Quincy Adams indicated he would approve of this, but Andrew Jackson replaced him as President before the expedition could be mounted.

Andrew Jackson is not putting up with your bullsh*t.

The Nazi era Thule Society reported much about Tibetan myths of openings into the Earth. There is even a theory that Hitler ordered a research journey for such an opening in Antarctica, but hey, Hitler believed a lot of freaky crap.

Everything I know about the Thule Society, I learned from watching "Hellboy" umpteen billion times. Great flick.

There are even claims that he bought into “concave hollow earth theory” (the idea that, not only is the Earth hollow, but we actually live inside it, with the sun at the center of the cavity) to the point that, at one point, he sent an expedition to spy on the British fleet by pointing infrared cameras up at the sky, in an apparent attempt to see through Earth’s hollow core to the British ships located above him.  Did I mention he was a little crazy?

Not "fun crazy," either. Just crazy.

In my mind, however, the King of the Hollow Earthers was “Dr. Raymond Bernard,” the pseudonym of Dr.Walter Siegmeister (Why would you go with a pseudonym when you already have such an awesome name?).  His 1964 book, The Hollow Earth,claimed that “the inhabitants of Atlantis took refuge in the Earth’s interior before the city was destroyed in great calamity.  It was Atlanteans who piloted the flying machines known in ancient India as vimanas and in the modern world as flying saucers. After the US bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Bernard claimed, the Atlanteans became concerned that radioactive air might flow into the world’s interior, and so some emerged in their flying saucers in an act of self-defense.”

There you have it: hollow Earth, Atlantis, UFOs, and World War II, all in one story.

Kinda like this, which is actually pretty awesome.

If we could only get George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to turn that into a movie instead of worrying about 2012….

Tomorrow: More crazy crap, including…Which horror writer really killed John Lennon?  And the Middle Ages never happened!

REMINDER: For a FREE PDF of the first 1 1/2 chapters of my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!!, just write me at whitebread@theamazingwhitebread.com and ask for it!  You don’t even have to say “please!”  (Although that would be nice.)

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Golden Globes! Golden Globes! Sweet holy crap, it’s the Golden Globes!!!

So, it’s that time of year again, and everyone’s crapping their pants over who did and didn’t get nominated for a Golden Globe today.  As an expert with an encyclopedic knowledge of motion pictures, actors, actresses, directors, and all other aspects of the movie industry, I feel it is my duty to provide in-depth analysis of the nominations.  You can thank me after you win your office pool….


Best Motion Picture: Drama

Black Swan: Haven’t seen it.  Heard Natalie Portman and the girl from That 70’s Show make out.  That will probably sway some voters.  I give it a 75% chance of winning.

Pictured: Award-winning acting.

 

The Fighter: Haven’t seen it. Boxing movies usually do well, though.  I give it the other 25%.

The King’s Speech: Haven’t seen it.  Heard it’s about a guy who stutters.  If I wanted to see two hours about a guy overcoming his stammer, I’d watch the VH1 Behind the Music episode about Mel Tillis.

"Anyone remember me? Anyone?"

 

The Social Network: Haven’t seen it.  It’s about Facebook, right?  Here’s how I picture it going if I tried to watch it:

<opening credits roll>

<fade in>

A young man appears on screen.

Young man: Hey.  I’m the guy who started Facebook.

Me: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Inception: Pretty cool flick.  As the only one on the list I have seen, it won’t win a single award.  Sorry, Leo.  Didn’t mean to jinx you.

"Dammit, McMullen!"

 

Best Actress: Drama

Halle Berry/ Frankie and Alice: Haven’t seen it.  Halle Berry should get an award just for convincing anyone to hire her after Catwoman.

Nicole Kidman/ Rabbit Hole: Haven’t seen it.  I didn’t realize she’d crawled out from under Toby Keith or whichever redneck country star she married (they all look the same to me) long enough to film a movie.

"Hey there. I may or may not be Eskimo brothers with Tom Cruise. Who knows?"

 

Jennifer Lawrence/ Winter’s Bone: Who in what now?  Haven’t seen or heard of either one of them.

Natalie Portman/ Black Swan: See?  Those swarthy foreign press types will give chicks making out an award every damn time it happens.

BOOM! Two more awards, right there.

 

Michelle Williams/ Blue Valentine: Haven’t seen it.  She was married to Heath Ledger, right?  Glad to see she’s back on her feet.  There’s no joke there.  I’m sincerely glad she’s back on her feet.

 

Best Actor: Drama

Jesse Eisenberg/ The Social Network: No matter what character he played, I probably would have been vastly more entertained had it been played by Jesse Ventura instead of Jesse Eisenberg.  Vertura probably would have shot someone with a chain gun.  That’s what Facebook’s missing: chain guns.

Better yet: LEGO Jesse Ventura with a chain gun. I'd watch that all day long.

 

Colin Firth/ The King’s Speech: I’m all for him winning, so long as he doesn’t do his acceptance speech in character.  I don’t have 15 minutes to wait for him to spit out “I’d like to thank my agent.”

James Franco/ 127 Hours : Haven’t seen it.  Apparently, it’s just James Franco trapped under a rock for two hours.  Sounds like Castaway without all the action.  Or Wilson.  “Wiiiiiilsoooooon!!!”

Ryan Gosling/ Blue Valentine: Blue Valentine is an acting vehicle—it exists to document a highly physical, totally immersive performance by Gosling.

OK, I just stole that line from an online review of Black Swan.  I just switched “ Blue Valentine” for “ Black Swan” and “Gosling” for “Portman.”  There are just so many times I can repeat that I’ve nether heard of nor care to hear of a movie. Blue Valentine being one of those movies.

Mark Wahlberg/The Fighter: I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear this, but “Go Marky Mark!  Go Marky Mark!”

"It's such a sweee-eeet sensation!"

 

Best Movie: Comedy or Musical

Alice in Wonderland: Haven’t seen it.  The promo pics of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and what’s’ername with that huge noggin really freaked me out.  I skipped and saw RED instead.

RED: Yeah!  A really good, entertaining movie that I’ve seen.  Again, kiss of death.  Sorry, Mr. Willis.  Sorry, Mr. Malkevich.

"Seriously, McMullen! Imma hold you while DiCaprio kicks you square in the gooch."

 

I’m not apologizing to Morgan Freeman, the old pervert.

The Kids Are All Right: Haven’t seen it.  From the previews, it looked like a bunch of people sitting around a table, talking.  That’s not a movie, that’s a political show that comes on PBS on Sunday afternoons.

Burlesque: Haven’t seen it.  Here’s a quick algebra lesson for you: a + b = Complete indifference on my part.  In this case, a = Cher and b = Christina Aguilera.

The Tourist: Haven’t seen it.  According to IMDB, The Tourist “Revolves around Frank, an American tourist visiting Italy to mend a broken heart. Elise is an extraordinary woman who deliberately crosses his path.”  Good for you, Golden Globe people.  Way to reward Hollywood remaking the exact same movie we’ve already seen 1,000 times before.  Asses.

 

Best Actress: Comedy or Musical

Annette Bening/The Kids Are All Right: HOLY CRAP! Annette Bening’s still alive? Well, kudos.  Kudos to her.

Anne Hathaway/Love and Other Drugs: Anne Hathaway gets naked/Anne Hathaway gets nominated for a Golden Globe.  Coincidence?  We at the Webulastic Logstastic think not.

That's a good start. You're halfway to a major award, kid.

Angelina Jolie/The Tourist: Haven’t seen it.  And doesn’t she have, like thirteen kids to take care of?  When does she even find time to pee, much less make a movie?

Julianne Moore/The Kids Are All Right: The second person from this movie to be nominated.  Man.  That must’ve been some dinner conversation.

Emma Stone/Easy A: Sorry, Emma.  I saw your movie.  I loved it.  I loved you in it.  You’re dorked.  Right in the ear.

"See that, McMullen? That's the way Leo and I's attack on your scroat is going to end. There won't be enough left of you for Willis to urinate on. But that won't stop him from trying."

 

Best Actor: Comedy or Musical

Johnny Depp/Alice in Wonderland: Is it really acting when they’re just being themselves?

No. No, it's not.

 

Johnny Depp/The Tourist: I believe my thoughts on all things The Tourist have been made clear, thank you.  Let’s move on.

Paul Giamatti/Barney’s Version: Haven’t seen it.  I love Paul Giamatti, but if this movie has anything to do with a giant purple dinosaur, he should probably just sit back, enjoy the ceremony, and bide his time for another shot another year.

Jake Gyllenhaal/Love and Other Drugs: I think any outstanding work he may or may not have done in this movie should be cancelled out by Prince of Persia.  I’d rather rent Brokeback Mountain and watch him make out with Heath Ledger for two hours than sit through that again.

Kevin Spacey/Casino Jack: Haven’t seen it.  I have no idea why, but this sounds like a combination live action/CGI movie about a kangaroo who lives in a casino.  I may or may not see that.  Depends on how well executed it is.

Kevin Spacey, in a role that will make you question everything you thought you knew about animated kangaroos.

 

Best Director

Whatever.  Whoever wins Best Picture.  What else ya got?

 

Best Original Song

No one cares.  It’s like lighting the unity candle at a wedding: it’s inherently pointless and just put in there to drag out a ceremony that everyone already thinks is too long.


Best Original Score

This is Best Original Song’s more annoying cousin.  If Best Original Song is the unity candle, Best Original Score is the unnecessary solo that gets thrown in so the bride’s fat sister will have something to do.  They’re both there to draw out the time, and therefore the tension, before the big awards are announced, but this one is somehow even more irritating and difficult to sit through.  Especially knowing that cake is coming soon after.

There you go: everything you could possibly want to know about the Golden Globe contenders.  Just send me a percentage of your pool winnings and we’ll call it even.

REMINDER: My humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!! is available now!  Get a FREE PDF of the first 1 1/2 chapters just by writing me at whitebread@theamazingwhitebread.com and asking for it!  (Note: your email address will not be added to a mailing list, shared, sold, or otherwise used for any purpose other than sending you the free book sample.)

Free Stuff, Anyone?

Sooo, my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!! was released at the end of October, and my publisher and I have been trying to get the word out about the book.  It’s hard, without having a big name attached, to get any publications, TV or radio programs, etc., interested in telling everyone about how great it is (and oh, baby, it’s great.).  The most frustrating part is that 9 out of 10 people I’ve spoken to who’ve read it really enjoy it.  So how do I get people to read it in the first place, so they can really enjoy it? 

Give it away for free!

Starting to get the picture?

OK, now that I have your attention, I’m not giving away the entire book for free.  That’d be slightly counterproductive to my goal of selling lots of copies.  What I am doing, however, is giving away the first one and a half chapters to anyone who writes me at whitebread@theamazingwhitebread.com and requests it.  That’s right!  Just write and ask, and I’ll send you a PDF file of the first 40-odd pages (and they are quite odd) of my book for free.  Your name and/or email address WILL NOT be added to a mailing list, sold, or otherwise redistributed. 

So tell your friends, tell your family, tell people you don’t even know.  Forget Team Edward.  Forget Team Jacob.  Forget Team Coco.  Get on Team Whitebread

free books free stuff free novel free swag free

You Can Tell a Lot About Someone By the Quality of Person They Stalk

So, I couldn’t think of anything to write about today, so I Googled “latest gossip” and learned that the woman who’s been stalking Jeff Goldblum since 2001 is getting out the a mental institution soon.  Goldblum, understandably worried, asked a judge to renew his restraining order against Linda Ransom, but the judge refused, basically saying Goldblum had to wait until the woman actually threatened him again before he could get the order reinstated.

 
This is completely absurd!  Ridiculous!  Offensive, even!  Jeff Goldbum has a stalker?  I mean, seriously.  Jeff “I Hacked an Alien Ship with my Mac” Goldblum has a feakin’ stalker?  So not fair.  Here is just a short list of those who deserve a stalker far, far more than him:

1. Nick Cage: Cage and Goldblum are probably on about the same level talent-wise, as well as on the “People Who Annoy Me for Some Indefinable Reason” scale, but at least Cage is out there making movies people — not a lot of people, sometimes, but people nontheless — want to see.  In the last ten years, Cage has starred in such movies as Adaptation, Lord of War, Matchstick Men, National Treasure (I and II), and Kick Ass.  How did Goldblum spend the last decade?  Making steamers like Cats and Dogs, Man of the Year, The Switch, and Morning Glory (between stints on such powerful, cutting edge television show as Crank Yankers, Will and Grace, and Robbie the Reindeer in Legend of the Lost Tribe).

Say what you will about "Ghost Rider," he's still cooler than you.

2. William Shatner: This pretty much goes without saying.  In the last few years, Shatner has transformed himself from go-to punchline/massive tool to one of the coolest actors in Hollywood.  How?  Simply by acknowledging what a go-to punchline/massive tool he is.  He’s like David Hasslehoff if Hasslehoff was a slightly better actor, or even Goldblum himself, if Goldblum was a slightly worse actor.

3. My wife:  She’s a quality piece of ass. If anyone deserves a desperate loner watching her from the bushes, it’s her.  Love you babe!

4. Clint Howard:  Who?  This guy:

"Hi, I'm Clint Howard, and this is my 'intense' look."

“Hey,” you’re saying, “I recognize that guy!  Who the hell is he again?”

He’s Clint Howard, that’s who.  Don’t screw with him.  With a resume going back to the 60’s, he’s been in dozens of movies, including Night Shift, Gung Ho, Splash, Cocoon, Parenthood, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Far and Away, The Rocketeer, Apollo 13, Austin Powers, Cindarella Man, Frost/Nixon, and Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.  In addition, when he is slumming on TV, he slums in such shows as Sledge Hammer (a great, forgotten 80’s show), Hunter, Seinfeld, Heroes, My Name is Earl, and Arrested Development.

What was Golblum in again?  Oh yeah: Cats & Dogs and Crank Yankers.

5. James Woods: Woods is one of those people who’s Hollywood A-list, but no one really knows why.  He’s a great actor, but when you look at his resume, there’s nary a hit to be seen.  So why’s he stalk-worthy?  4 reasons:

1. He’s famous.  Again, we’re not sure why, but he is.

2. As a famous actor, he’s bound to be rich.  I heard a rumor that chicks dig money, so that should help.

3.  He has a genius-level IQ.  Granted, that’s not as sexy as rich and famous, but some girls like guys with a well-endowed cranium.  Which reminds me,

4. He’s rumored to be hung like a Clydesdale.  I have no first-hand knowledge of this, but rumors usually do get started for a reason.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to watch "Diggstown?"

The above is my gift to the crazies of the world, along with this little bit of advice: Don’t stalk Jeff Goldblum.  Please.  Not for his sake, but for yours.  Life’s too short to stalk the C-list.

I So Feel Like Perez Hilton…

I’m not really one for celebrity gossip, but seeing as how I’m trying to attract traffic to the blog and Google Trends says “Eric Johnson Jessica Simpson engagement” is a hot search term right now, I’ll give it a shot. Here goes….

HOLY SH*TBALLS! Eric Johnson and Jessica Simpson are engaged! That’s so…awesome? Unexpected? Horrible?

Hmm. Apparently this is something millions of people care about, but I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to feel about it. Maybe that’s because I have no idea who Eric Johnson is. Pardon me for a sec’ while I consult Google, the Delphic Oracle of the 21st century….

Oh, OK, he’s some sort of football guy. As a resident of the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex, I seem to remember Simpson dating a guy named Romo and that not turning out very well for said Romo’s stats. Sooooo, good luck with all that, Mr. Johnson.

I searched for "famous football player." For all I know, this guy is marrying Jessica Simpson.

 

 

Just as an aside, Jessica Simpson’s quickly turning into one of those people who are famous solely for being famous. Didn’t she used to be a singer or something? When was the last time she had a hit song? Actually, it could have been yesterday for all I follow popular music, but I doubt it. I know she “starred” in some movies that bombed horrifically, too, but that shouldn’t make her any more famous than Rob Schneider, or Eddie Deezen. I mean, sure, she’s a hot blonde with tig ol’ bitties, but this is the age of the internet: hot blondes with tig ol’ bitties are a “Safe Search Off” Google click away these days. Hell, hotter blondes than her with tigger ol’ bitties are a dime a dozen.

 

Out of respect for my wife and the royal fit which would result if I spent the afternoon searching for "hot, big-breasted blondes" on the internet, please enjoy this picture of puppies instead.

 

 

Maybe she’s still famous because she says stuff like this (Quote from this site, in response to being asked whether Johnson was “the one for her.”):

I never go to it, because I already went there, so I’m not going to jinx myself it is for me now I’m very happy, I’m in a great place, and if right now may not last forever, I’d take it.”

WHAAAA? Granted, that’s awesomely incoherent, and society loves to celebrate and reward stupidity at all levels (Snooki, the success of Jackass 3-D at the box office, the vast majority of politicians). But still, it shouldn’t give her more than the 15 minutes of fame foisted upon Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina a few years ago after she gave her infamous answer about why 1/5 of Americans can’t find America on a world map.

Caitlin Upton: Attractive, blonde, big rack, stupid. Must be famous.

Well, whatever the reason, people seem to care about this engagement, and a tiny handful have clicked to this blog to read what I think about it. So here’s what I think about it: nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I’ve never met either one of them, didn’t even know who the guy was until five minutes ago. I couldn’t care less about their impending nuptials.

On second thought, I take that back. Here’s what I think: “Good luck, former singer and apparent sports guy. Given the unwarranted amount of scrutiny your relationship is going to suffer, you’ll need it.”