Reptiles and Nazis and UFO’s, oh my!

So, a lot of people think the world’s going to end next year.  Among those people, apparently, is George Lucas.

According to actor Seth Rogen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg recently met with him regarding a movie, and Rogen reported that Lucas “sits down and seriously proceeds to talk for around 25 minutes about how he thinks the world is gonna end in the year 2012, like, for real.  He thinks it.  He’s going on about the tectonic plates and all the time Spielberg is, like, rolling his eyes, like, ’My nerdy friend won’t shut up, I’m sorry…”

Rogen then asked Lucas if he was building a spaceship to escape Earth’s destruction.  “He claimed he didn’t have a spaceship,” said Rogen, “but there’s no doubt there’s a Millennium Falcon in a garage somewhere with a pilot just waiting to go.  It’s gonna be him and Steven Spielberg and I’ll be blown up like the rest of us.”

Lucas: "We out, bitches!" Spielberg: "George, you so crazy."

I have a love/hate relationship with apocalypse and conspiracy theories.  On one hand, I usually can’t stand conspiracy theorists, especially ones that harp on important historical events that have been proven and reproven over and over again, like 9/11 “Truthers,” people who don’t think we really landed on the moon, etc.  However, I can’t get enough of the bizarre world of the truly insane conspiracists (Is that a word?  Well, it is now.)  Below are nine of my favorite theories and the people associated with them (in no particular order):

9. David Icke/The Reptoids

Some people believe the world is run by a secret cabal of powerful families known as “The Illuminati.”  Some believe shadowy religious sects are behind all the major events in world history.  Ex-BBC personality David Icke, however, really has it figured out.  It’s not the Rockefellers, it’s not Zemu and his wacky band of thetans: it’s the underground lizard people known as Reptoids (also: reptiloids or draconians).

Ickes contends that 5-12 foot tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system are currently living in the Hollow Earth (See theory #8) and control most of the world.

So, the world is controlled by the Sleestaks from "Land of the Lost."

Among those who Ickes and his followers claim are Reptoids are the British Royal family, the Bush family, and pretty much every other important political and religious figure of the last 2,000 years or so.

Huh. Maybe he's onto something after all....

According to Icke, in an interview with The Spectrum in 1999, the Sleestaks intervened in the “Royal lines” of the Near and Middle East 5,000 years ago, creating alien/human hybrids. Per Ickes’ impeccable (I’m sure) research, William of Orange, “to whom every surviving Royal Family in Europe is related,” was one of these hybrids, and “[a]ccording to  Burke’s Peerage, the bible of Aristocratic and  Royal  genealogy  based in  London,  every  American election since and including  George Washington, in 1789, has been won  by the  candidate with the  most European Royal  genes. 33 of  the 42  are  genetically related  to two  people: Charlemagne  (King), the most  famous monarch of what  we call France, and Alfred  the  Great, the  King  of  England.”

So, what’s the proof that all the world’s major politicians and royals are really giant lizards in disguise?

Well for one thing, that's what happened in "V." That was a documentary, right?

No, his arguments were based on much more powerful evidence than an awesome 80’s miniseries: he knows there are lizard-people here because, you know, people have told him so.

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 1: Icke claims that he met a personal friend of Princess Diana named Christine Fitzgerald, who told him that Diana had told her that the Windsor family were “reptiles.”  “‘She used to say, in all seriousness, “They are NOT human!”‘”  Icke went on to say that “Christine Fitzgerald went on to tell me: ‘You know, the Windsors are a reptilian line, they’re not human.'”

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 2: Per Ickes, “I was in Vancouver, speaking, and I met about 4 or 5 people who told me the same story, including a business woman, who is a real feet-on-the-ground, you know, power-dressing kind of 5,000 clients business woman. And she said she had this  relationship with a guy who was Portuguese, and he just turned into a reptile in front of her.”

OK, really, who hasn’t had that happen?  I dated at least three girls who turned into reptiles in front of me before I met Wifebread.

This was actually my business card for a short period of time.

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 3:  Ickes claims that a woman named Cathy O’Brien, co-author of the book Trance-formation Of America…

Looks totally legit to me, and not at all like the kind of thing you'd sell out of the trunk of your car at a flea market. Nope. Not at all.

…told him that George Bush himself personally informed her “that they were an extraterrestrial race that came from a ‘far off space place’who’d taken over the world, and no one realized it because they look human. But, she said, he changed in  front of her into a reptile.”

Because that sounds EXACTLY like that kind of thing an ancient lizard-alien posing as a human and subsequently elected president of the United States would do: expose his race’s 5,000 year old secret to…this chick.

"I'm not crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"

Finally, Ickes reassured his interviewer that, “…when I talk about reptilians, I am not talking about all reptilians.  I’m talking about a particular group. I’m sure the reptilian form is a massive constant across great chunks of this galaxy and beyond, and I’m certainly not saying that anyone in reptilian form-any time anyone sees anyone in reptilian form, and there are a lot of people who do-and say, ‘I didn’t get bad vibes from them.’  [B]ecause we’re not talking about ALL reptilians, we’re talking a group that appears to take a reptilian form because that’s how people keep seeing these people in power.”

That’s right, kids: not all reptillian aliens masquerading as humans are evil.  Just the ones named Bush….

The “fact” that these reptilliodians supposedly live within the Earth bumps against one of my other favorite theories:

8. Hollow Earth Theory

The Hollow Earth hypothesis proposes that the planet Earth is…well, hollow.  One of the first proponents of Hollow Earth was Edmond Halley.

Yeah, the comet guy.

In 1692, he proposed that the Earth consisted of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core.   According to Halley, atmospheres separate these shells, each shell has its own magnetic poles, and the spheres rotate at different speeds. Halley proposed this scheme in order to explain anomalous compass readings.

"Something's screwing this thing up. It's either the magnetic bracelet I wear for my tennis elbow, or the Earth consists of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core, with atmospheres separating the shells, each shell having its own magnetic poles. Probably that second thing."

In 1818, John Cleves Symmes, Jr. suggested that the Earth consisted of a hollow shell 800 miles thick (those insecure Hollow Earth theorists, always having to have a thicker shell than the other guy). Symmes became the most famous of the early Hollow Earth proponents after proposing and expedition to find a hole into the Earth he theorized would be at the North Pole.  None other than President John Quincy Adams indicated he would approve of this, but Andrew Jackson replaced him as President before the expedition could be mounted.

Andrew Jackson is not putting up with your bullsh*t.

The Nazi era Thule Society reported much about Tibetan myths of openings into the Earth. There is even a theory that Hitler ordered a research journey for such an opening in Antarctica, but hey, Hitler believed a lot of freaky crap.

Everything I know about the Thule Society, I learned from watching "Hellboy" umpteen billion times. Great flick.

There are even claims that he bought into “concave hollow earth theory” (the idea that, not only is the Earth hollow, but we actually live inside it, with the sun at the center of the cavity) to the point that, at one point, he sent an expedition to spy on the British fleet by pointing infrared cameras up at the sky, in an apparent attempt to see through Earth’s hollow core to the British ships located above him.  Did I mention he was a little crazy?

Not "fun crazy," either. Just crazy.

In my mind, however, the King of the Hollow Earthers was “Dr. Raymond Bernard,” the pseudonym of Dr.Walter Siegmeister (Why would you go with a pseudonym when you already have such an awesome name?).  His 1964 book, The Hollow Earth,claimed that “the inhabitants of Atlantis took refuge in the Earth’s interior before the city was destroyed in great calamity.  It was Atlanteans who piloted the flying machines known in ancient India as vimanas and in the modern world as flying saucers. After the US bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Bernard claimed, the Atlanteans became concerned that radioactive air might flow into the world’s interior, and so some emerged in their flying saucers in an act of self-defense.”

There you have it: hollow Earth, Atlantis, UFOs, and World War II, all in one story.

Kinda like this, which is actually pretty awesome.

If we could only get George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to turn that into a movie instead of worrying about 2012….

Tomorrow: More crazy crap, including…Which horror writer really killed John Lennon?  And the Middle Ages never happened!

REMINDER: For a FREE PDF of the first 1 1/2 chapters of my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!!, just write me at whitebread@theamazingwhitebread.com and ask for it!  You don’t even have to say “please!”  (Although that would be nice.)

Free Stuff, Anyone?

Sooo, my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!! was released at the end of October, and my publisher and I have been trying to get the word out about the book.  It’s hard, without having a big name attached, to get any publications, TV or radio programs, etc., interested in telling everyone about how great it is (and oh, baby, it’s great.).  The most frustrating part is that 9 out of 10 people I’ve spoken to who’ve read it really enjoy it.  So how do I get people to read it in the first place, so they can really enjoy it? 

Give it away for free!

Starting to get the picture?

OK, now that I have your attention, I’m not giving away the entire book for free.  That’d be slightly counterproductive to my goal of selling lots of copies.  What I am doing, however, is giving away the first one and a half chapters to anyone who writes me at whitebread@theamazingwhitebread.com and requests it.  That’s right!  Just write and ask, and I’ll send you a PDF file of the first 40-odd pages (and they are quite odd) of my book for free.  Your name and/or email address WILL NOT be added to a mailing list, sold, or otherwise redistributed. 

So tell your friends, tell your family, tell people you don’t even know.  Forget Team Edward.  Forget Team Jacob.  Forget Team Coco.  Get on Team Whitebread

free books free stuff free novel free swag free

Not Just Crazy: Tom Cruise Crazy

So, last night, I saw an ad for Tom Cruise’s latest travesty of cinema, “Knight & Day “ with the only slightly less annoying box-office poison known as Cameron Diaz. I thought, “Man, Cruise used to be a stud. Whatever happened to that guy?” Then I remembered: Scientology.

So crazy it hurts.

I’m normally not one to openly mock another’s religious beliefs. Secretly, that’s another story. But not openly.

I make an exception for the “church” of Scientology. The only thing you really need to know about Scientology is that it was founded by a mediocre science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard. If you’d like to know more, though, feel free to read on. Below is a summary of what Scientology is based on, with my own comments thrown in to explain why, other for the obvious reasons, it’s utter BS.

Let me caveat this by saying I’m not a Scientologist, I don’t know any Scientologists personally, and I’ve never read Dianetics, so I don’t have first-hand knowledge of what they believe.  However, when multiple ex-Scientologists and professional BS hunters all say the same thing (see links at end of entry), I start to give it creedence.  But again, since I have no first hand knowledge, let me officially state that this is merely what they are reported to believe.

By a lot of different people.

Who seem to be pretty credible.

According to Scientology, it all started seventy-five million years ago, when an alien named Xenu (sometimes Xemu) ruled a section of the galaxy containing 76 planets, including Earth (known at that time as Teegeeack).  See?  Right out of the box, and it already sounds like the beginning of a cheesy Marvel Comics story from the 60’s.

Well I'll be damned....

Each planet was home to an average of 178,000,000,000 people (roughly 18 times Earth’s current population). This, apparently, was just too many folks, so Xenu came up with a depopulation plan so cunning it should have had whiskers and a bushy red tail. First, he brought in billions of people under the guise of doing tax audits. Then, with the help of psychiatrists, he paralyzed the people and loaded them onto space DC-8’s. (Why he had psychiatrists paralyze them instead of physicians , I have no idea. It does explain this, though). Plus, a DC-8? Seriously?

Space conveyance of choice for intergalactic tyrants.

The DC-8’s transported the paralyzed victims to Earth, where Xenu had them stacked muzzles to butts around the bases of volcanoes, after which he lowered H-bombs into the volcanoes and detonated them simultaneously, killing everyone.

So again, what they're saying is that the superadvanced, space-faring empire hadn't progressed much past technology America had circa 1945.

So Xenu’s problems were solved, right? Ehhh, not so much. The victims’ souls (called “thetans”), hung around, being blown willy-nilly until Xenu captured them all with electronic beams and contained them in boxes.

Sound familiar?

OK, soooo now Xenu’s problems are solved, right?  All the Ghostbusters of 75,000,000 B.C. have to do is toss the boxes into the sun or something, and that’s it.

Ehhh, not so much.

Instead of just sending the boxes on a one-way ride into the heart of the sun, or the vast, infinite coldness of space, Xenu, acting exactly like the equivalent of a 21st century bureaucrat that he was, did the most logical thing he could think of: took the boxes to movie theaters, where he showed the thetans 3-D movies (Did they have to pay an extra $5 for the glasses?) that “implanted” them with false images of what their lives were like (Whaa?). Then, like any sensible bureaucrat, Xenu released the souls he’d just gone through all that trouble to capture. Because why the hell not? Maybe he was really just a big ol’ softy.

Xenu: Actual Photograph

At that point, the souls, because they’d all been shown the same movie, congregated together in groups of a few thousand because they all thought they were the same person.

(If you’re not following this, you’re in idiot, because if capturing billions of people, murdering them, and imprisoning their souls, only to release them after forcing them to watch the equivalent of a Michael Moore “documentary,” doesn’t make perfect effing sense, then nothing does.)

There happened to be a few people left alive on Earth (Well, clearly, if there are enough movie theaters to seat 178,000,000,000.), and the thetan clusters—sounds more like a candy bar than a threat from outer space—inhabited the living bodies.

I guess at that point, Xenu’s superiors got wind of what a cluster—literally—he’d made of everything, because he was overthrown and locked away in a mountain on one of the 76 planets he’d been in charge of, where he’s contained by an electronic force field powered by an eternal battery. And there he lives to his day, plotting his revenge and being denied parole more times than Charles Manson.

"I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Satan! I'm Xenu! Wait...even I'm not that crazy."

So how does this all affect Tom Cruise? Well, the thetans are still hanging around today, infesting all our bodies like pubic lice (Everyone has pubic lice, right? Right?). And if you want to be “cleared” of all your thetans, the Church of Scientology can do it for you, all for the low, low price of up to $500,000. Paid in easy installments, of course. There are several levels of Scientologist, and once you reach “OT III,” or Operating Thetan III, you gain the ability to communicate with your thetans telepathically, at which time you can just politely ask them to leave, and they will. Why Xenu didn’t just try that in the first place, we’ll never know.

Oh, and as a final thought, I’ve just doomed you all to death. Sorry ‘bout that. According to the man himself, L. Ron “I Can’t Believe They Bought This $#!+” Hubbard, if you hear this story before you’re prepared (read: “fleeced”) by the CoS, you’ll contract pneumonia and probably die. So again, sorry I just killed you.

"Suckers."

So who, besides Tom Cruise and John Travolta, would be dumb enough to buy all this? I mean, literally buy it, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to be “cleared?” So glad you asked. Below is a list of surprising (and not so surprising) Scientologists:

Surprising: Jason Lee

His mustache, maybe, but surely not HIM?

Noooooo! He’s so…cool. And funny. And cool.  And he’s Earl.  Earl wouldn’t fall for that, dammit.

Not So Surprising: Lisa Marie Presley

The second day in a row I've had a MJ joke. Talk about beating a dead horse.

She married Michael Jackson. I think being a Scientologist is the least of her problems. Hell, forget the thetans: she was probably trying to get “cleared” of him.


Surprising: Danny Masterson

My head's an almost perfect triangle. Deal with it.

Once again, someone whose TV character is smarter than them. Hyde would have smelled this manipulative, money-grubbing BS a mile away.

Not So Surprising: Beck

Not a thought in that pretty little head of his.

Yeah, it’s not completely surprising that the man who wrote the lyrics

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey

Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie

With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables

Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose.

is into some weird crap. Maybe he was channeling his thetans that day. I don’t know.

Surprising: Ethan Suplee

His publicity shot is probably slightly more serial-killerish than he intended.

I’m just going to assume his co-star Jason Lee told him it was some kind of 12-step food addition cure thing and leave it at that.

Not So Surprising: Juliette Lewis

Putting the "batsh*t crazy" in "batsh*t crazy" since 1984.

I rest my case.


Sources:

Holy Smoke.org

Yoism.org

Wikipedia 1

Wikipedia 2

Xenu.net

Out of the mouth of L. Ron his own self.


Mike McMullen’s new book of humorous nonfiction, I, Superhero!! is now available!