Not Just Crazy: Tom Cruise Crazy

So, last night, I saw an ad for Tom Cruise’s latest travesty of cinema, “Knight & Day “ with the only slightly less annoying box-office poison known as Cameron Diaz. I thought, “Man, Cruise used to be a stud. Whatever happened to that guy?” Then I remembered: Scientology.

So crazy it hurts.

I’m normally not one to openly mock another’s religious beliefs. Secretly, that’s another story. But not openly.

I make an exception for the “church” of Scientology. The only thing you really need to know about Scientology is that it was founded by a mediocre science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard. If you’d like to know more, though, feel free to read on. Below is a summary of what Scientology is based on, with my own comments thrown in to explain why, other for the obvious reasons, it’s utter BS.

Let me caveat this by saying I’m not a Scientologist, I don’t know any Scientologists personally, and I’ve never read Dianetics, so I don’t have first-hand knowledge of what they believe.  However, when multiple ex-Scientologists and professional BS hunters all say the same thing (see links at end of entry), I start to give it creedence.  But again, since I have no first hand knowledge, let me officially state that this is merely what they are reported to believe.

By a lot of different people.

Who seem to be pretty credible.

According to Scientology, it all started seventy-five million years ago, when an alien named Xenu (sometimes Xemu) ruled a section of the galaxy containing 76 planets, including Earth (known at that time as Teegeeack).  See?  Right out of the box, and it already sounds like the beginning of a cheesy Marvel Comics story from the 60’s.

Well I'll be damned....

Each planet was home to an average of 178,000,000,000 people (roughly 18 times Earth’s current population). This, apparently, was just too many folks, so Xenu came up with a depopulation plan so cunning it should have had whiskers and a bushy red tail. First, he brought in billions of people under the guise of doing tax audits. Then, with the help of psychiatrists, he paralyzed the people and loaded them onto space DC-8’s. (Why he had psychiatrists paralyze them instead of physicians , I have no idea. It does explain this, though). Plus, a DC-8? Seriously?

Space conveyance of choice for intergalactic tyrants.

The DC-8’s transported the paralyzed victims to Earth, where Xenu had them stacked muzzles to butts around the bases of volcanoes, after which he lowered H-bombs into the volcanoes and detonated them simultaneously, killing everyone.

So again, what they're saying is that the superadvanced, space-faring empire hadn't progressed much past technology America had circa 1945.

So Xenu’s problems were solved, right? Ehhh, not so much. The victims’ souls (called “thetans”), hung around, being blown willy-nilly until Xenu captured them all with electronic beams and contained them in boxes.

Sound familiar?

OK, soooo now Xenu’s problems are solved, right?  All the Ghostbusters of 75,000,000 B.C. have to do is toss the boxes into the sun or something, and that’s it.

Ehhh, not so much.

Instead of just sending the boxes on a one-way ride into the heart of the sun, or the vast, infinite coldness of space, Xenu, acting exactly like the equivalent of a 21st century bureaucrat that he was, did the most logical thing he could think of: took the boxes to movie theaters, where he showed the thetans 3-D movies (Did they have to pay an extra $5 for the glasses?) that “implanted” them with false images of what their lives were like (Whaa?). Then, like any sensible bureaucrat, Xenu released the souls he’d just gone through all that trouble to capture. Because why the hell not? Maybe he was really just a big ol’ softy.

Xenu: Actual Photograph

At that point, the souls, because they’d all been shown the same movie, congregated together in groups of a few thousand because they all thought they were the same person.

(If you’re not following this, you’re in idiot, because if capturing billions of people, murdering them, and imprisoning their souls, only to release them after forcing them to watch the equivalent of a Michael Moore “documentary,” doesn’t make perfect effing sense, then nothing does.)

There happened to be a few people left alive on Earth (Well, clearly, if there are enough movie theaters to seat 178,000,000,000.), and the thetan clusters—sounds more like a candy bar than a threat from outer space—inhabited the living bodies.

I guess at that point, Xenu’s superiors got wind of what a cluster—literally—he’d made of everything, because he was overthrown and locked away in a mountain on one of the 76 planets he’d been in charge of, where he’s contained by an electronic force field powered by an eternal battery. And there he lives to his day, plotting his revenge and being denied parole more times than Charles Manson.

"I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Satan! I'm Xenu! Wait...even I'm not that crazy."

So how does this all affect Tom Cruise? Well, the thetans are still hanging around today, infesting all our bodies like pubic lice (Everyone has pubic lice, right? Right?). And if you want to be “cleared” of all your thetans, the Church of Scientology can do it for you, all for the low, low price of up to $500,000. Paid in easy installments, of course. There are several levels of Scientologist, and once you reach “OT III,” or Operating Thetan III, you gain the ability to communicate with your thetans telepathically, at which time you can just politely ask them to leave, and they will. Why Xenu didn’t just try that in the first place, we’ll never know.

Oh, and as a final thought, I’ve just doomed you all to death. Sorry ‘bout that. According to the man himself, L. Ron “I Can’t Believe They Bought This $#!+” Hubbard, if you hear this story before you’re prepared (read: “fleeced”) by the CoS, you’ll contract pneumonia and probably die. So again, sorry I just killed you.


So who, besides Tom Cruise and John Travolta, would be dumb enough to buy all this? I mean, literally buy it, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to be “cleared?” So glad you asked. Below is a list of surprising (and not so surprising) Scientologists:

Surprising: Jason Lee

His mustache, maybe, but surely not HIM?

Noooooo! He’s so…cool. And funny. And cool.  And he’s Earl.  Earl wouldn’t fall for that, dammit.

Not So Surprising: Lisa Marie Presley

The second day in a row I've had a MJ joke. Talk about beating a dead horse.

She married Michael Jackson. I think being a Scientologist is the least of her problems. Hell, forget the thetans: she was probably trying to get “cleared” of him.

Surprising: Danny Masterson

My head's an almost perfect triangle. Deal with it.

Once again, someone whose TV character is smarter than them. Hyde would have smelled this manipulative, money-grubbing BS a mile away.

Not So Surprising: Beck

Not a thought in that pretty little head of his.

Yeah, it’s not completely surprising that the man who wrote the lyrics

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey

Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie

With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables

Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose.

is into some weird crap. Maybe he was channeling his thetans that day. I don’t know.

Surprising: Ethan Suplee

His publicity shot is probably slightly more serial-killerish than he intended.

I’m just going to assume his co-star Jason Lee told him it was some kind of 12-step food addition cure thing and leave it at that.

Not So Surprising: Juliette Lewis

Putting the "batsh*t crazy" in "batsh*t crazy" since 1984.

I rest my case.



Wikipedia 1

Wikipedia 2

Out of the mouth of L. Ron his own self.

Mike McMullen’s new book of humorous nonfiction, I, Superhero!! is now available!


6 Responses to “Not Just Crazy: Tom Cruise Crazy”

  1. zohrbak Says:

    Jason Lee?! Seriously? Noooooooooooo!

    I’m flabbergasted by this information. This goes back to the first chapter of your book. If there are people in this world who seriously entertain these thoughts as reality, then what the hell? Why can’t we have cool shit like Real Life Superheroes? Huh? Huh?

  2. ChaseK8 Says:

    Is this for real??? That is the stupidist, most messed up S**T I have EVER heard, people CANNOT truly belive that BS….LMAO….. WOW!!! And for it to be celebrities…. people that you look at as intelligent and successful…god that blows my mind!!! Thank you, you just made me feel smarter and better than Tom Crusie 🙂 That makes my day!!!!

    • theamazingwhitebread Says:

      Yeah, it makes me feel a little smug myself. Then I do something really stupid and the smugness goes straight out the window. However, I just have to repeat: “IS IT NOT A HINT THAT THE FOUNDER OF YOUR ‘RELIGION’ WAS A SCIENCE FICTION WRITER!?!?”

  3. Keith Sweat Isn’t Dead! You…You Mean He Was Alive All This Time? « The Amazing Whitebread's Webulastic Logtastic Says:

    […] a while there, she was the “next big thing” in Hollywood.  She even got naked with Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut, which should be every young girl’s dream. Until it actually […]

  4. Reptiles and Nazis and UFO’s, oh my! « The Amazing Whitebread's Webulastic Logtastic Says:

    […] David Icke, however, really has it figured out.  It’s not the Rockefellers, it’s not Zemu and his wacky band of thetans: it’s the underground lizard people known as Reptoids (also: reptiloids or […]

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