You Can Tell a Lot About Someone By the Quality of Person They Stalk

So, I couldn’t think of anything to write about today, so I Googled “latest gossip” and learned that the woman who’s been stalking Jeff Goldblum since 2001 is getting out the a mental institution soon.  Goldblum, understandably worried, asked a judge to renew his restraining order against Linda Ransom, but the judge refused, basically saying Goldblum had to wait until the woman actually threatened him again before he could get the order reinstated.

This is completely absurd!  Ridiculous!  Offensive, even!  Jeff Goldbum has a stalker?  I mean, seriously.  Jeff “I Hacked an Alien Ship with my Mac” Goldblum has a feakin’ stalker?  So not fair.  Here is just a short list of those who deserve a stalker far, far more than him:

1. Nick Cage: Cage and Goldblum are probably on about the same level talent-wise, as well as on the “People Who Annoy Me for Some Indefinable Reason” scale, but at least Cage is out there making movies people — not a lot of people, sometimes, but people nontheless — want to see.  In the last ten years, Cage has starred in such movies as Adaptation, Lord of War, Matchstick Men, National Treasure (I and II), and Kick Ass.  How did Goldblum spend the last decade?  Making steamers like Cats and Dogs, Man of the Year, The Switch, and Morning Glory (between stints on such powerful, cutting edge television show as Crank Yankers, Will and Grace, and Robbie the Reindeer in Legend of the Lost Tribe).

Say what you will about "Ghost Rider," he's still cooler than you.

2. William Shatner: This pretty much goes without saying.  In the last few years, Shatner has transformed himself from go-to punchline/massive tool to one of the coolest actors in Hollywood.  How?  Simply by acknowledging what a go-to punchline/massive tool he is.  He’s like David Hasslehoff if Hasslehoff was a slightly better actor, or even Goldblum himself, if Goldblum was a slightly worse actor.

3. My wife:  She’s a quality piece of ass. If anyone deserves a desperate loner watching her from the bushes, it’s her.  Love you babe!

4. Clint Howard:  Who?  This guy:

"Hi, I'm Clint Howard, and this is my 'intense' look."

“Hey,” you’re saying, “I recognize that guy!  Who the hell is he again?”

He’s Clint Howard, that’s who.  Don’t screw with him.  With a resume going back to the 60’s, he’s been in dozens of movies, including Night Shift, Gung Ho, Splash, Cocoon, Parenthood, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Far and Away, The Rocketeer, Apollo 13, Austin Powers, Cindarella Man, Frost/Nixon, and Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.  In addition, when he is slumming on TV, he slums in such shows as Sledge Hammer (a great, forgotten 80’s show), Hunter, Seinfeld, Heroes, My Name is Earl, and Arrested Development.

What was Golblum in again?  Oh yeah: Cats & Dogs and Crank Yankers.

5. James Woods: Woods is one of those people who’s Hollywood A-list, but no one really knows why.  He’s a great actor, but when you look at his resume, there’s nary a hit to be seen.  So why’s he stalk-worthy?  4 reasons:

1. He’s famous.  Again, we’re not sure why, but he is.

2. As a famous actor, he’s bound to be rich.  I heard a rumor that chicks dig money, so that should help.

3.  He has a genius-level IQ.  Granted, that’s not as sexy as rich and famous, but some girls like guys with a well-endowed cranium.  Which reminds me,

4. He’s rumored to be hung like a Clydesdale.  I have no first-hand knowledge of this, but rumors usually do get started for a reason.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to watch "Diggstown?"

The above is my gift to the crazies of the world, along with this little bit of advice: Don’t stalk Jeff Goldblum.  Please.  Not for his sake, but for yours.  Life’s too short to stalk the C-list.


The Amazing Whitebread’s Thanksgiving Food Storage Tips

We at The Amazing Whitebread’s Webulastic Logtastic care about you, your family, and your safety. Really we do. And so, in light of the approaching holiday, here are some food storage tips to make your Thanksgiving dinner fun, safe, and botulism-free.


We know you have plenty of options for your Thanksgiving dinner meats, so we’ve included food storage tips for several of the most popular:

Turkey: Stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in the fridge for up to a week.
Ham: Stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in the fridge for up to a week.
Turducken: Remove Mardis Gras beads from around its neck, pull LSU banner out of its ass, then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.
Possum/Squirrel: There are three options for these proteins.
1). For longer-term storage, make sure there are plenty of fresh blocks of ice in the large wooden “ice box” you use to house the rest of your road kill and varmint trophies. Then stick the leftovers in whatever crockery is available in your killshack and store for up to a week.

2.) If you’re merely storing it overnight, put the leftovers in a wet sack and hang from a high tree limb to keep save from bears, raccoons, and other pesky critters.

3.) If you can’t believe the depths to which your palate has sunk, throw the leftovers away, pack your bags, and move out of Arkansas.


N/A: There really shouldn’t be any left. Why is there? You a Comm’nist or somethin’? Huh? Huh?

Cranberry Sauce

If it’s real cranberry sauce, made with real cranberries, stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in the fridge for up to a week.
If it’s that crap that retains the shape of the can it came in, give it to the dog, unless you like your dog, in which case you should give it to the neighbor’s dog. Kick yourself in the ass for buying it in the first place.

Green Bean Casserole

If you’re like me, enjoy it and then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.

If you’re like my wife, question the existence of a loving God who would allow such a culinary abomination to see the light of day. Then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.

Pecan Pie

If it’s a homemade pecan pie, thank your mother/wife/significant other for loving you enough to bake one, then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.

If it’s store-bought (other than Marie Callender’s), feel a touch of ennui bordering on depression that no one cared enough to bake you one, you lonely bastard, you. Then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in your sad, empty fridge for up to a week.

If it is a Marie Callender’s, bury your face in it and eat your way to Nirvana. Scrape sticky remainder off face, liquify in blender, and take intravenously overnight to guarantee dreams of beauty, joy, and blinding existential insight into the nature of truth.

Those are pretty much the high point of any Thanksgiving dinner, plus The Office is on, so I’m outta here. Enjoy your holidays safely and responsibly: if you’re going to drink, drink hard liquor. Beer’s more filling and you’ll have less food for pie.

Now there – don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.

Come Touch Me. Touch Me Like a Rogue, Lust-Maddened TSA Agent…

I’m going to be LIVE and in-person, signing I, Superhero!! at two Barnes & Noble (Barnes & Nobii?) bookstores in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area this weekend!  Come see me Saturday, starting at 1 p.m., at the B&N at 75 and Northwest Highway in Dallas (across from Northpark Mall), or Sunday, starting at noon, at the B&N in Irving (Las Colinas) on MacArthur just south of 635.


Since it’s difficult to attract people to a blog entry that’s just about me doing signings, and in recognition of the fact that yesterday’s entry about erectile dysfunction was my most-read entry yet, let me conclude by giving the search engines a little something to latch onto:

penis, sex, genitalia, hump, thrust, coitus, free XXX, meet hot cougars in your area, Jessica Alba nude pics


To those who may have actually come here by searching for those things, I apologize for my deception.  You should punish me by buying a book and then refusing to let me autograph it.  Seriously.  That would make me feel awful.  Just…awful.

Suggestive Names, Bathtubs, and Priapism: The Holy Trinity of ED Medications

Between Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, among others, I’ve noticed lately that erectile dysfunction (ED) adds have become so prevalent on television that, if aliens lightyears away are picking up on our broadcasts, they’d have no choice but to assume 80% of all Earth males have FPPS(Floppy Pee Pee Syndrome. It’s a medical term.) Not only does this increase the risk of alien invasion (since they would think we’re all a bunch of older, polo-shirt-wearing castrati accountants who can’t get it up with two hands and a forklift), but the commercials raise several other issues, such as:

1. Could they be more obvious with the names?  “Viagra?”  “Levitra?”  Might as well call it “Thrusthard,” or “Hoverdong.”

2. Why, when sex is implied, does the couple suddenly move from their nice, private, upper-middle-class domicile to the beach, or the woods, or somesuch other public place?

"It's hotter when the neighbors can see. Especially the O'Malleys."

Are these drugs engorging men to the point they can no longer be trusted indoors?  Are their newly airborne appendages knocking the good china off the shelves? Are they stumbling about their apartments, dazed and confused from all the blood rushing south, stabbing holes in the sheetrock with their rock-hard euphamisms?

Cialis is particularly bad about this. Every single commercial and print ad ends up with the couple inexplicably laying in seperate bathtubs on the beach. Dont’ believe me?

I'm starting to see a pattern....


How do seperate bathtubs indicate torrid sexual excapades? Is he soaking his wingding in hot water in hopes of softening it a bit from its Viagra-induced state of ironlike rigidity out of consideration for his lady friend? Is she sitting in a vat of tenderizer in an attempt to ward off potential damage from his chemically-enhanced wee wee? Or are they both just hosing off after a 36-hour orgy of slow, awkward, unappealing, vardenafil HCL-fueled senior-tour matress tango?

3. And speaking of weekend-long horizontal mambo sessions, what’s the deal with the the timespans on these drugs? They all say that if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours to call your doctor immediately. Oh heck no. If I ever have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, I’m running to the nearest large crowd I can find and high-fiving every guy I see.

"Priapism five, dude."


    According to WebMD, Cialis lasts up to 36 hours. I hope that’s just the window you have to make use of your newfound ability to keep a round chambered in the ol’ love gun. A four hour erection sounds great, but 36 hours seems a bit over the top. If I had one that lasted that long, I’d probably spend the last 12 hours performing some sort of genitalia-centered exorcism, or banging it against a wall screaming “I just want my life back!”


    If you disagree…for instance, if you think the idea of a marathon, 36-hour chub sounds appealing…feel free to drop a line and explain yourself.


To Grope or Not to Grope: The Saga of John Tyner and His Junk

My first reaction when I heard about the “don’t touch my junk” guy was, “Preach it, bro! Same goes for my package!”

If you haven’t heard about it yet, or are just too lazy to click on the link, the “don’t touch my junk” guy is John Tyner. Tyner made the news recently when he refused both the full-body scan (the one that basically gives TSA screeners a naked picture of you) and the new, more invasive pat-downs (Palms down, hands running up the inside of your thigh, romantic music playing softly in the background.). Tyner told the screener, “If you touch my junk, I’m going to have you arrested.” At that point, the screener fetched a manager, and Tyner likened the invasive pat-down to a “sexual assault.” When told that it wasn’t a sexual assault, Tyner stated, “Only because you’re the government.”

As I said, my initial response was completely, unreservedly, pro-non-junk-touching. If I want a creepy, mustachioed loner with a GED and one good eye feeling me up, I’m sure there are plenty of ads on Craigslist I could answer and get just that without the added cost of an airline ticket. the guy I'm supposed to meet? Well, let's get this over with....

Once I calmed down, however, I could kinda see TSA’s point. Lest we forget, hijacked airplanes were used to kill 3,000 American citizens on American soil a few years ago. You may have heard about it. It was in the news quite a bit. I can’t really blame them for trying to head off something similar or, God forbid, worse, in the future. But what are we, as a society, willing to put up with in exchange for the hope of increased safety? We can’t try El Al-type security measures, as those would be considered racist. We can’t pat people down thoroughly or look at them through back-of-the-comic-book x-ray specs, because that’s an invasion of privacy.

So, if we can’t single out people who fit the profile of previous terrorists, and we can’t single out people for no reason at all and search them, what’s left? Do we go back to the standards that got 3,000 people killed in the first place? I’m not advocating one side or the other here. I honestly don’t know where I stand on this right now. I want to be safe, but I don’t want Uncle Fester copping a feel every time I fly, either.

Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone…?

I So Feel Like Perez Hilton…

I’m not really one for celebrity gossip, but seeing as how I’m trying to attract traffic to the blog and Google Trends says “Eric Johnson Jessica Simpson engagement” is a hot search term right now, I’ll give it a shot. Here goes….

HOLY SH*TBALLS! Eric Johnson and Jessica Simpson are engaged! That’s so…awesome? Unexpected? Horrible?

Hmm. Apparently this is something millions of people care about, but I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to feel about it. Maybe that’s because I have no idea who Eric Johnson is. Pardon me for a sec’ while I consult Google, the Delphic Oracle of the 21st century….

Oh, OK, he’s some sort of football guy. As a resident of the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex, I seem to remember Simpson dating a guy named Romo and that not turning out very well for said Romo’s stats. Sooooo, good luck with all that, Mr. Johnson.

I searched for "famous football player." For all I know, this guy is marrying Jessica Simpson.



Just as an aside, Jessica Simpson’s quickly turning into one of those people who are famous solely for being famous. Didn’t she used to be a singer or something? When was the last time she had a hit song? Actually, it could have been yesterday for all I follow popular music, but I doubt it. I know she “starred” in some movies that bombed horrifically, too, but that shouldn’t make her any more famous than Rob Schneider, or Eddie Deezen. I mean, sure, she’s a hot blonde with tig ol’ bitties, but this is the age of the internet: hot blondes with tig ol’ bitties are a “Safe Search Off” Google click away these days. Hell, hotter blondes than her with tigger ol’ bitties are a dime a dozen.


Out of respect for my wife and the royal fit which would result if I spent the afternoon searching for "hot, big-breasted blondes" on the internet, please enjoy this picture of puppies instead.



Maybe she’s still famous because she says stuff like this (Quote from this site, in response to being asked whether Johnson was “the one for her.”):

I never go to it, because I already went there, so I’m not going to jinx myself it is for me now I’m very happy, I’m in a great place, and if right now may not last forever, I’d take it.”

WHAAAA? Granted, that’s awesomely incoherent, and society loves to celebrate and reward stupidity at all levels (Snooki, the success of Jackass 3-D at the box office, the vast majority of politicians). But still, it shouldn’t give her more than the 15 minutes of fame foisted upon Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina a few years ago after she gave her infamous answer about why 1/5 of Americans can’t find America on a world map.

Caitlin Upton: Attractive, blonde, big rack, stupid. Must be famous.

Well, whatever the reason, people seem to care about this engagement, and a tiny handful have clicked to this blog to read what I think about it. So here’s what I think about it: nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I’ve never met either one of them, didn’t even know who the guy was until five minutes ago. I couldn’t care less about their impending nuptials.

On second thought, I take that back. Here’s what I think: “Good luck, former singer and apparent sports guy. Given the unwarranted amount of scrutiny your relationship is going to suffer, you’ll need it.”

FEMA Camps: Biggest Threat to American Freedom Since The Last Biggest Threat to American Freedom

Apparently, people are getting all up in arms about “FEMA concentration camps” or somesuch other scary one-world-order Illuminati BS. According to several websites, including this one, none other expert in all things ridiculous than Jesse Ventura is going to “expose” these camps on his conspiracy theory show on the increasingly-inaccurately-named “TruTV” channel. I’m thinking we should be about as scared of these camps as we should be of The Trilateral Comission, water flouridation, or Thetans.

First of all, let’s look at the source of the story:

I call him Gov'nah.

I could almost rest my case right now, but let’s continue with a second point. Right now, the most damning evidence most of these websites have is that FEMA has plans to handle “…riots and disasters and made plans to maintain order…including plans to deal with mass fatalities, insurrection, internment and quarantines,” and that they “have a contingency-structure in place to deal with mass fatalities and outbreaks in times of pandemics, natural disasters, terrorist attacks, national emergency or other disasters.”

HOLY CRAP!!! You mean the Federal EMERGANCY MANAGEMENT Agency has plans to MANAGE EMERGANCIES? Good lord.  Bar the door, hide the womens and stock up on shotguns and canned goods. Next thing you know, the Border Patrol will be patrolling the border, the Drug Enforcement Administration will be enforcing drugs laws, and the Department of Education will be trying to educate people. OK, so that last one would be new, but my point stands.

What the alarmists are saying is that FEMA is setting up concentration camps for its own citizens so the government can round us up and “take over.” Um…the government is already in charge, people. That would be like me locking my kids in their rooms so I can be take over my family. It makes no sense. In reality, what people are freaking out about is that a government agency is doing exactly what it was created to do, fulfilling its openly-stated purpose. Granted, that’s a novelty, but still, it’s nothing to worry about. What possible reason would FEMA have to round up all its citizens and place them into camps? Is that really going to give the government more control over us? It already takes our money and tells us, to one extent or another, what we can and can’t buy, watch, listen to, eat, drive, and say. Does it really need camps at this point? When you’re talking about something so involved, that would take so much time and resources, you have to ask what the benefit would be for the government. Rounding us up like cattle isn’t going to make them stronger, safer, or more prosperous. In fact, the government would end up weaker, more vulnerable, and in an economic shambles.

So, to all you out there who think FEMA is gonna come a’gunnin’ fer ya, I only ask, “Why they hell would they?”