Stephen King: Murderer. Oh, and the Years 600-900 Never Happened.

So, here’s the continuation of my 9 favorite-est conspiracy theories:

7. Stephen King shot John Lennon

As everyone knows, a lone drifter named Mark David Chapman shot and killed John Lennon on December 8, 1980.  Right? 



"You are so stoo-ped."

According to Steve Lightfoot, whose rambling, borderline incoherent website doesn’t make him sound the least bit insane, Lennon was “politically assassinated” by “Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and, you’d better sit down, horror novelist Stephen King.” 

 Lightfoot’s proof?  Well, first there are the “bold print headline government codes” appearing in Time, Newsweek, and U.S. News and World Report magazines around the time of the murder.  Lightfoot points out “coded headlines” like, “Thinking About John Lennon…Johnny Comes Marching Home…Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, Ouch, Ouch…The Job Richard Nixon Really Wanted…Blasting the Opposition…America Needs A Poet Laureate…Maybe…Heeding Those Subtle Signs…Magazine Maze…All the Presidents Magazines…” and says they “plug into John Lennon’s assassination with up to 70% accuracy at times.”


Where's Robert Langdon when you need him?


I know, I know, that should be enough proof for any logical human being.  But wait, there’s more!  How about the fact that Stephen King looks kinda sort almost like Chapman if you squint and the light’s low and you’re comparing grainy, 30 year old pictures?


On the right...Lennon and Chapman, hours before the shooting. On the left...Stephen King. Conclusion: Incontrovertable proof...that cameras in the 70's sucked.

 According to Lightfoot, the caption “One Great Big Zippo Lighter,” which was a reference to Firestarter, the book King was publicizing at the time, “means fire and movement, and a man at night with a gun ablaze, crouched in a raincoat looks like a great big cigarette lighter. Subtle but dramatic codes.”



"I sense you're trying to tell me something....but what? Too subtle, my friend. Too subtle."

While dating a crazy chick just drives most men to drink and, in their darkest hours, contemplate monasticism, it led little Stevie Lightfoot straight into the arms of a dark government conspiracy: “[When] John Lennon was assassinated and I knew, instinctively, that the story about a lone drifter was government, media hogwash, that huge players were behind his murder and that America and all the people of the world had just been victimized by evil bastards.  Like most of you I assumed they would not leave evidence, the government rarely does, but when there was no trial for the alleged gunman, Mark Chapman, I knew, almost for certain, that, indeed, the government killed John Lennon.  He was the hottest political firebrand to threaten the establishment since Ghandi and possibly Jesus Christ, himself.”  (Or, according to Lennon, bigger than Jesus Christ himself.)

"He said what? Oh, no. No he dih-ent."


So what could make an otherwise normal (up until the death of Lennon) young man go so completely ass-burgers?  I think we all know, at least the guys do, but I’ll let him tell you in his own words anyway: “I met a young woman at the time who proved to be quite the traumatized liar. When we met she gave me a phony name and past and lived with me for a short time. Many melodramatic events, a breakup and over a year later I would find out her real name, past etc.  This experience made me different from most of you because I was no longer naive about liars or lies. I knew, intimately, how convincing they could be.

I get the feeling that when you say "woman," this is what pops into Lightfoot's head.

Lightfoot took his findings to a priest (He probably left out the whole “Lennon is as important as Jesus Christ” part.), who “…advised me to use an alias and rubber gloves for a while.”  Good lord…was he a crackpot or a cat burglar?  Maybe the priest told him to find a rubber room and Lightfoot just misunderstood.

Finally, let me leave you with the one piece of genuine wisdom and insight I gleaned from Lightfoot’s website: “No wonder America is in such shambles. New York City is out of control and disconnected, living under…Yoko Ono’s evil spell.” 

I can never tell if she's sining, or there's just a cat eating a baby somewhere nearby.

Amen, brother.  A-freakin’-men. 

6. The Phantom Time Hypothesis

The Phantom time hypothesis is the theory that there has been an intentional effort to make it appear that the period of the Early Middle Ages (614 – 911) existed when, in fact, they did not.  This hypothesis was originally proposed by Heribert Illig in 1991.  Illig theorized that the Early Middle Ages were “faked” using alteration, misrepresentation, and forgery of documentary and physical evidence.


So what would make an otherwise intelligent person believe that, instead of 2011, we’re now living in the year 1714?  OK, try to follow me here:

The calendar we currently used is known as the Gregorian Calendar, and was introduced by Pope Gregory in 1582.  The previous calendar, the Julian Calendar, was introduced by Julius Caesar, and contained a miscalculation that made the year 10.8 minutes too long (when compared to actual, or astronomical solar time).  This means that, in the time between the introduction of the Julian Calendar and its replacement by the Gregorian Calendar, we should have gained 13 days that weren’t really there.  Therefore, when the Gregorian Calendar was introduced, historians should have “set the clock back” by 13 days.  For example, if the Gregorian Calendar was introduced on July 14, 1582 (Julian Calendar time), the first day of Gregorian time should have been set back to July 1, 1582.   

Got that? explain it to me.

 The snag came in when the Pope Gregory’s astronomers and mathematicians took all their astronomical readings and observations and calculations and discovered the calendar really only needed to be adjusted by 10 days.  From this, Illig reasoned thusly:

A.      There’s a three-day difference between the calendar time and astronomical time. 

B.      Gaining 10.8 minutes per year, those missing 3 days should have taken approximately 300 years to accumulate.

C.      Since the three days aren’t there, that means 300 fewer years passed between Pope Gregory and Julius Caesar that previously thought.

Therefore, the entire Carolingian period, including the person of Charles the Great/Charlemagne himself, one of the most famous figures in history, is a forgery of medieval chroniclers.

Which brings us to the important question of “Why?”  According to Illig, emperor Otto III decided he wanted to be “Jesus Christ’s representative on earth at the dawn of the 7th millennium (6,000 years after creation, according to estimates of the creation year, the subject of which could take up an entire post of its own.  To do so, he had to be emperor in the year 1,000.  Setting the year back by three centuries would have screwed the pooch on his millennial plans real good, so instead of redating the world, he just fudged a little bit.  

"Hey! Everybody come look! I'm Christ's representative on Earth at the dawn of the 7th millenium! Ted, Bob, come look!"

Sounds logical, right?  (The 3 day/300 year thing, not faking three centuries to line up with your own personal religious beliefs.)  If only every scrap of scientific dating evidence, from radio carbon to forensic to astronomical, didn’t say Illig is full of crap, and we’re not really living in the 1700s. 

Which is sad, because I’ve always wanted to be a knight.


"NOW who's takin' Brenda to prom, Doug?"

Tomorrow:  White folks were created in a lab.  Plus, what, other than the entire middle ages, never happened?  That’s right: World War II.

REMINDER: Get the first 1 1/2 chapters of my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!! FREE just by writing me at and asking for it!


Reptiles and Nazis and UFO’s, oh my!

So, a lot of people think the world’s going to end next year.  Among those people, apparently, is George Lucas.

According to actor Seth Rogen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg recently met with him regarding a movie, and Rogen reported that Lucas “sits down and seriously proceeds to talk for around 25 minutes about how he thinks the world is gonna end in the year 2012, like, for real.  He thinks it.  He’s going on about the tectonic plates and all the time Spielberg is, like, rolling his eyes, like, ’My nerdy friend won’t shut up, I’m sorry…”

Rogen then asked Lucas if he was building a spaceship to escape Earth’s destruction.  “He claimed he didn’t have a spaceship,” said Rogen, “but there’s no doubt there’s a Millennium Falcon in a garage somewhere with a pilot just waiting to go.  It’s gonna be him and Steven Spielberg and I’ll be blown up like the rest of us.”

Lucas: "We out, bitches!" Spielberg: "George, you so crazy."

I have a love/hate relationship with apocalypse and conspiracy theories.  On one hand, I usually can’t stand conspiracy theorists, especially ones that harp on important historical events that have been proven and reproven over and over again, like 9/11 “Truthers,” people who don’t think we really landed on the moon, etc.  However, I can’t get enough of the bizarre world of the truly insane conspiracists (Is that a word?  Well, it is now.)  Below are nine of my favorite theories and the people associated with them (in no particular order):

9. David Icke/The Reptoids

Some people believe the world is run by a secret cabal of powerful families known as “The Illuminati.”  Some believe shadowy religious sects are behind all the major events in world history.  Ex-BBC personality David Icke, however, really has it figured out.  It’s not the Rockefellers, it’s not Zemu and his wacky band of thetans: it’s the underground lizard people known as Reptoids (also: reptiloids or draconians).

Ickes contends that 5-12 foot tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system are currently living in the Hollow Earth (See theory #8) and control most of the world.

So, the world is controlled by the Sleestaks from "Land of the Lost."

Among those who Ickes and his followers claim are Reptoids are the British Royal family, the Bush family, and pretty much every other important political and religious figure of the last 2,000 years or so.

Huh. Maybe he's onto something after all....

According to Icke, in an interview with The Spectrum in 1999, the Sleestaks intervened in the “Royal lines” of the Near and Middle East 5,000 years ago, creating alien/human hybrids. Per Ickes’ impeccable (I’m sure) research, William of Orange, “to whom every surviving Royal Family in Europe is related,” was one of these hybrids, and “[a]ccording to  Burke’s Peerage, the bible of Aristocratic and  Royal  genealogy  based in  London,  every  American election since and including  George Washington, in 1789, has been won  by the  candidate with the  most European Royal  genes. 33 of  the 42  are  genetically related  to two  people: Charlemagne  (King), the most  famous monarch of what  we call France, and Alfred  the  Great, the  King  of  England.”

So, what’s the proof that all the world’s major politicians and royals are really giant lizards in disguise?

Well for one thing, that's what happened in "V." That was a documentary, right?

No, his arguments were based on much more powerful evidence than an awesome 80’s miniseries: he knows there are lizard-people here because, you know, people have told him so.

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 1: Icke claims that he met a personal friend of Princess Diana named Christine Fitzgerald, who told him that Diana had told her that the Windsor family were “reptiles.”  “‘She used to say, in all seriousness, “They are NOT human!”‘”  Icke went on to say that “Christine Fitzgerald went on to tell me: ‘You know, the Windsors are a reptilian line, they’re not human.'”

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 2: Per Ickes, “I was in Vancouver, speaking, and I met about 4 or 5 people who told me the same story, including a business woman, who is a real feet-on-the-ground, you know, power-dressing kind of 5,000 clients business woman. And she said she had this  relationship with a guy who was Portuguese, and he just turned into a reptile in front of her.”

OK, really, who hasn’t had that happen?  I dated at least three girls who turned into reptiles in front of me before I met Wifebread.

This was actually my business card for a short period of time.

Anecdotal “Proof” No. 3:  Ickes claims that a woman named Cathy O’Brien, co-author of the book Trance-formation Of America…

Looks totally legit to me, and not at all like the kind of thing you'd sell out of the trunk of your car at a flea market. Nope. Not at all.

…told him that George Bush himself personally informed her “that they were an extraterrestrial race that came from a ‘far off space place’who’d taken over the world, and no one realized it because they look human. But, she said, he changed in  front of her into a reptile.”

Because that sounds EXACTLY like that kind of thing an ancient lizard-alien posing as a human and subsequently elected president of the United States would do: expose his race’s 5,000 year old secret to…this chick.

"I'm not crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!"

Finally, Ickes reassured his interviewer that, “…when I talk about reptilians, I am not talking about all reptilians.  I’m talking about a particular group. I’m sure the reptilian form is a massive constant across great chunks of this galaxy and beyond, and I’m certainly not saying that anyone in reptilian form-any time anyone sees anyone in reptilian form, and there are a lot of people who do-and say, ‘I didn’t get bad vibes from them.’  [B]ecause we’re not talking about ALL reptilians, we’re talking a group that appears to take a reptilian form because that’s how people keep seeing these people in power.”

That’s right, kids: not all reptillian aliens masquerading as humans are evil.  Just the ones named Bush….

The “fact” that these reptilliodians supposedly live within the Earth bumps against one of my other favorite theories:

8. Hollow Earth Theory

The Hollow Earth hypothesis proposes that the planet Earth is…well, hollow.  One of the first proponents of Hollow Earth was Edmond Halley.

Yeah, the comet guy.

In 1692, he proposed that the Earth consisted of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core.   According to Halley, atmospheres separate these shells, each shell has its own magnetic poles, and the spheres rotate at different speeds. Halley proposed this scheme in order to explain anomalous compass readings.

"Something's screwing this thing up. It's either the magnetic bracelet I wear for my tennis elbow, or the Earth consists of a shell about 500 miles thick, two inner concentric shells, and an innermost core, with atmospheres separating the shells, each shell having its own magnetic poles. Probably that second thing."

In 1818, John Cleves Symmes, Jr. suggested that the Earth consisted of a hollow shell 800 miles thick (those insecure Hollow Earth theorists, always having to have a thicker shell than the other guy). Symmes became the most famous of the early Hollow Earth proponents after proposing and expedition to find a hole into the Earth he theorized would be at the North Pole.  None other than President John Quincy Adams indicated he would approve of this, but Andrew Jackson replaced him as President before the expedition could be mounted.

Andrew Jackson is not putting up with your bullsh*t.

The Nazi era Thule Society reported much about Tibetan myths of openings into the Earth. There is even a theory that Hitler ordered a research journey for such an opening in Antarctica, but hey, Hitler believed a lot of freaky crap.

Everything I know about the Thule Society, I learned from watching "Hellboy" umpteen billion times. Great flick.

There are even claims that he bought into “concave hollow earth theory” (the idea that, not only is the Earth hollow, but we actually live inside it, with the sun at the center of the cavity) to the point that, at one point, he sent an expedition to spy on the British fleet by pointing infrared cameras up at the sky, in an apparent attempt to see through Earth’s hollow core to the British ships located above him.  Did I mention he was a little crazy?

Not "fun crazy," either. Just crazy.

In my mind, however, the King of the Hollow Earthers was “Dr. Raymond Bernard,” the pseudonym of Dr.Walter Siegmeister (Why would you go with a pseudonym when you already have such an awesome name?).  His 1964 book, The Hollow Earth,claimed that “the inhabitants of Atlantis took refuge in the Earth’s interior before the city was destroyed in great calamity.  It was Atlanteans who piloted the flying machines known in ancient India as vimanas and in the modern world as flying saucers. After the US bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Bernard claimed, the Atlanteans became concerned that radioactive air might flow into the world’s interior, and so some emerged in their flying saucers in an act of self-defense.”

There you have it: hollow Earth, Atlantis, UFOs, and World War II, all in one story.

Kinda like this, which is actually pretty awesome.

If we could only get George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to turn that into a movie instead of worrying about 2012….

Tomorrow: More crazy crap, including…Which horror writer really killed John Lennon?  And the Middle Ages never happened!

REMINDER: For a FREE PDF of the first 1 1/2 chapters of my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!!, just write me at and ask for it!  You don’t even have to say “please!”  (Although that would be nice.)

Free Stuff, Anyone?

Sooo, my humorous nonfiction book I, Superhero!! was released at the end of October, and my publisher and I have been trying to get the word out about the book.  It’s hard, without having a big name attached, to get any publications, TV or radio programs, etc., interested in telling everyone about how great it is (and oh, baby, it’s great.).  The most frustrating part is that 9 out of 10 people I’ve spoken to who’ve read it really enjoy it.  So how do I get people to read it in the first place, so they can really enjoy it? 

Give it away for free!

Starting to get the picture?

OK, now that I have your attention, I’m not giving away the entire book for free.  That’d be slightly counterproductive to my goal of selling lots of copies.  What I am doing, however, is giving away the first one and a half chapters to anyone who writes me at and requests it.  That’s right!  Just write and ask, and I’ll send you a PDF file of the first 40-odd pages (and they are quite odd) of my book for free.  Your name and/or email address WILL NOT be added to a mailing list, sold, or otherwise redistributed. 

So tell your friends, tell your family, tell people you don’t even know.  Forget Team Edward.  Forget Team Jacob.  Forget Team Coco.  Get on Team Whitebread

free books free stuff free novel free swag free

Everything I Know About WWII I Learned In…Wait, I Never Learned It To Begin With

In honor of the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, I submit the following outline of the major events of World War II.  (Disclaimer: All facts brought to you by the American public education system.  So don’t blame me if the below isn’t 100% accurate.)

Dubya Dubya Two: A Chronological Outline

Year: 193somethingorother

Septemberish: A humorless Germany invades Poland in an attempt to capture some of those “Polock” jokes they kept hearing about.  Two days later, Britain and France declare war on Germany because, hey, nothing else was going on.  The US says, “My name’s Paul, and this is between y’all,” returns to its Charleston contest.

Your great-grandmother was a whore.


Following Germany’s lead, Russia invades Finland.  No one really notices.  An emboldened Russia continues on to Norwegia.  The Norwegians fight boldly and effectively until France arrives with reinforcements, at which time all resistance crumbles and Norwegia surrenders.  France says “My bad, guys,” goes back to smoking little girly cigarettes and whoring around with hairy, unwashed chicks.

Mayish: In a historic election, Britain elects a chain-smoking bulldog Prime Minister.

"Don't think I won't slap the ever-lovin' spit out of you. 'Cause I will."


Winston “Winnie” Churchill takes office the same day Germany starts its Blitzkrieg (literal translation: “blitz krieg”), a new form of warfare combining the Wehrmact (“We’re the mack.”), which consists of fast, armored tanks, and the Luftwaffe (“air waffles”), which dominates the skies.

The terror of the skies.


Holland and Belgium quickly fall, and Germany moves on to France, which meet them at the border with a document outlining their unconditional surrender, grandfathered to the beginning of the year.

Germany turns its attention to Great BritainGermany is unable to attack by land, since Britain is an island…or is it Germany that’s the island?  I forget.  Oh well.  Six of one, a baker’s dozen of the other.  Regardless, Germany uses its Air Waffle Brigade to launch “The Battle of Britain,” a battle fought solely in the skies.  The Brits eventually pull out a squeaker in that one, which forces Germany to focus its attentions elsewhere.


In a classic mistake made my Charles XII of Sweden, Napoleon, and anyone else who’s never played Risk before, Hitler puts on his big boy pants and invades Russia.  Events on this front initially go poorly for Russia, who can only throw up its hands and say, “What the hell man?  I thought we were friends!”  Then winter sets in.  Or, as it’s known in Russia, “Holy #*@% I’m Freezing My ШароВ Off Season.”  Apparently, Der Furher is unaware that Russian winters get a tit nipply, and soon the cold, combined with the Russian’s elite Bear Cavalry, brings the German war machine to a halt.  Or as they say in German: “ halt.”

You thought I was kidding about the bear cavalry, didn't you?


Oh, and around this time Italy, which for some reason is siding with Germany, maybe they lost a bet or something, invades North Africa.  They spend the next few years futzing around in Ethiopia, where the Italians’ advanced military tactics and tanks are unable to force so much as a draw against the Ethiopians and their spears.

Despite a few setbacks, the war is actually going fairly well for the bad guys, also known as the “Axis Powers” in honor of the Milton Bradley game “Axis and Allies,” until the Japanese step squarely in it and pooch the screw for everyone.  On December 7, 19somethingorother, the Japanese radical Islamic communists unexpectedly attack Pearl Harbor in what will forever be remembered as a totally dick move.   Luckily for us, the US president at the time, Franklin “Teddy” Roosevelt, has mutant psychic abilities that allow him to see the attack coming.

"I sense a great disturbance in the...wait, wrong movie."


Unluckily for us, Roosevelt owns a lot of stock in Halliburton, so he goes ahead and lets the attack happen so he’d have an excuse to invade Iraq and steal their oil.  The commie Japanese kamikaze (translation: Hey sarge, why weren’t we issued helmets?)  pilots destroy more than 350 ships, including the battleships Arizona and Oklahoma, and the Starship Enterprise.



After the attack, President Roosevelt makes his “Day of Infamy” speech, in which he famously states, “Yesterday, December 7, 19somethingorother—ooh, you bitches has done it now.”  He then uses his psychic abilities to stand up out of his wheelchair, take off his shoe, and throw it at the screen.  Intelligence later reports that, upon seeing this, Japan and Germany screamed like little girls and hid behind the recliner in the living room.

194somethingorother + 2

America now squarely in the center of things, as is should be, dammit, the Allies win a major victory at the Battle of Midway.  This battle marks the turning point in the Pacific War, which I guess everyone should have foreseen at the time, given its name.

"Man. I should have seen that one coming."


194somethingorother + 3

A bad year for Der Furher and his boys.  First, they finally cry “Uncle Vanya” at Stalingrad, marking their first major defeat.  At the same time, Germany’s U-boats are taking heavy losses, with much of the credit due to England’s code breakers.  But to be honest, Germany was using last year’s Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring for classified communications, so it wasn’t that big a challenge.

"Don' drink...your...Ovaltine...."


Also, Italy surrenders.  Remember Italy?  Some time later, Mussolini (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the leader of Italy was Benito “Il Duce” Mussolini.  “Il Duce” being Italian for “douchebag.”) is hung by the resistance.  Well-hung, by all accounts.

On the Pacific front, American progress continues in the Aleutian Islands, New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, and other places no one heard of or cared about before or since.

The only reason I've even heard of the Aleutians is this book. Thank you, Scott O'Dell.


194somethingorother + 4

During this year, the Allies make a buttload of progress.  First, they land at Anzio and bomb the monastery at Monte Cassino.  What the strategic value of this monastery is, I don’t know, nor do I care enough to find out.  I also don’t know why they put a monastery in the middle of a gambling Mecca like Monte Cassino.  Maybe to throw us off the scent.

194something+4 is most notable, however, for the allied invasion of France, known as D-Day.  On this day, Tom Hanks and Vin Diesel lead the allies in a successful invasion of the French mainland (If there are any countries out there who haven’t successfully invaded France, please send us a postcard or something.)  Thus starts the beginning of the end for Herr Hitler & Co.

194somethingorother + 5

The Russians march into BerlinHitler “kills himself” (wink wink, nudge nudge) before they arrive.  Dr. Mengele smuggles his boss’ frozen head to South America, starts planning a series of crappy movies about Hitler being alive in South America to be released upon America during the 1970’s in a case of revenge being best served cold.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Germany surrenders.

With the Nazis out of the picture, the US focuses on the Islamo-commie terrorist in Japan.  We suffer a flight setback when Roosevelt is brutally murdered by Magneto and his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

America’s new president, Harry Tubman (founder of the Velvet Underground Railway, which provided a musical track for slaves escaping the north during the Civil War), decided to forgo an expensive, casualty-ridden invasion of Japan, and decided instead to just bomb the unholy piss out of them.  Soon, America had dropped two nuclear bombs on Japan: one on Hiroshima, a second at some other place I’ve never been and couldn’t find on a map with a…well, with a map.

Looks fairly accurate to me.


Then some other stuff happened, but that was pretty much it for ‘Merica vs. The Bad Guys.  Until they thaw out Hitler’s brain, that is….


NOTE: Please don’t take this post as making light of the sacrifices made by the brave men and women who fought in World War II.  Rather, it’s meant to point out the deficiencies on our educational system, which has given us the following statistics:

63% of Americans can’t find Iraq on a map.

90% can’t find Afghanistan.

50% can’t find New York state.

30% put the US population between 1 and 3 billion.  (It’s around 300 million.)

74% believe English is the most commonly spoken language in the world.

In a recent survey, a large number of high school students “Mussolini” as a foreign country.

25% of high school students can’t identify Adolph Hitler.

Almost half can’t guess, within 50 years, when the Civil War was fought.

Nearly 25% of students believe Christopher Columbus sailed for the New World after 1750.

45% think that The Scarlet Letter is either about a witch trial or a piece of correspondence.

55% could not identify Oedipus in a survey.

40% don’t know the first world war was between 1900 and 1950.

72% don’t know Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the Canterbury Tales.

50% don’t know that the Bible’s Job is known for his patience in suffering.

So, a big thank you to our veterans for saving our asses.  Sorry we sat on them and didn’t learn anything.