So, it’s that time of year again, and everyone’s crapping their pants over who did and didn’t get nominated for a Golden Globe today. As an expert with an encyclopedic knowledge of motion pictures, actors, actresses, directors, and all other aspects of the movie industry, I feel it is my duty to provide in-depth analysis of the nominations. You can thank me after you win your office pool….
Best Motion Picture: Drama
Black Swan: Haven’t seen it. Heard Natalie Portman and the girl from That 70’s Show make out. That will probably sway some voters. I give it a 75% chance of winning.
The Fighter: Haven’t seen it. Boxing movies usually do well, though. I give it the other 25%.
The King’s Speech: Haven’t seen it. Heard it’s about a guy who stutters. If I wanted to see two hours about a guy overcoming his stammer, I’d watch the VH1 Behind the Music episode about Mel Tillis.
The Social Network: Haven’t seen it. It’s about Facebook, right? Here’s how I picture it going if I tried to watch it:
<opening credits roll>
A young man appears on screen.
Young man: Hey. I’m the guy who started Facebook.
Inception: Pretty cool flick. As the only one on the list I have seen, it won’t win a single award. Sorry, Leo. Didn’t mean to jinx you.
Best Actress: Drama
Halle Berry/ Frankie and Alice: Haven’t seen it. Halle Berry should get an award just for convincing anyone to hire her after Catwoman.
Nicole Kidman/ Rabbit Hole: Haven’t seen it. I didn’t realize she’d crawled out from under Toby Keith or whichever redneck country star she married (they all look the same to me) long enough to film a movie.
Jennifer Lawrence/ Winter’s Bone: Who in what now? Haven’t seen or heard of either one of them.
Natalie Portman/ Black Swan: See? Those swarthy foreign press types will give chicks making out an award every damn time it happens.
Michelle Williams/ Blue Valentine: Haven’t seen it. She was married to Heath Ledger, right? Glad to see she’s back on her feet. There’s no joke there. I’m sincerely glad she’s back on her feet.
Best Actor: Drama
Jesse Eisenberg/ The Social Network: No matter what character he played, I probably would have been vastly more entertained had it been played by Jesse Ventura instead of Jesse Eisenberg. Vertura probably would have shot someone with a chain gun. That’s what Facebook’s missing: chain guns.
Colin Firth/ The King’s Speech: I’m all for him winning, so long as he doesn’t do his acceptance speech in character. I don’t have 15 minutes to wait for him to spit out “I’d like to thank my agent.”
James Franco/ 127 Hours : Haven’t seen it. Apparently, it’s just James Franco trapped under a rock for two hours. Sounds like Castaway without all the action. Or Wilson. “Wiiiiiilsoooooon!!!”
Ryan Gosling/ Blue Valentine: Blue Valentine is an acting vehicle—it exists to document a highly physical, totally immersive performance by Gosling.
OK, I just stole that line from an online review of Black Swan. I just switched “ Blue Valentine” for “ Black Swan” and “Gosling” for “Portman.” There are just so many times I can repeat that I’ve nether heard of nor care to hear of a movie. Blue Valentine being one of those movies.
Mark Wahlberg/The Fighter: I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear this, but “Go Marky Mark! Go Marky Mark!”
Best Movie: Comedy or Musical
Alice in Wonderland: Haven’t seen it. The promo pics of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and what’s’ername with that huge noggin really freaked me out. I skipped and saw RED instead.
RED: Yeah! A really good, entertaining movie that I’ve seen. Again, kiss of death. Sorry, Mr. Willis. Sorry, Mr. Malkevich.
I’m not apologizing to Morgan Freeman, the old pervert.
The Kids Are All Right: Haven’t seen it. From the previews, it looked like a bunch of people sitting around a table, talking. That’s not a movie, that’s a political show that comes on PBS on Sunday afternoons.
Burlesque: Haven’t seen it. Here’s a quick algebra lesson for you: a + b = Complete indifference on my part. In this case, a = Cher and b = Christina Aguilera.
The Tourist: Haven’t seen it. According to IMDB, The Tourist “Revolves around Frank, an American tourist visiting Italy to mend a broken heart. Elise is an extraordinary woman who deliberately crosses his path.” Good for you, Golden Globe people. Way to reward Hollywood remaking the exact same movie we’ve already seen 1,000 times before. Asses.
Best Actress: Comedy or Musical
Annette Bening/The Kids Are All Right: HOLY CRAP! Annette Bening’s still alive? Well, kudos. Kudos to her.
Anne Hathaway/Love and Other Drugs: Anne Hathaway gets naked/Anne Hathaway gets nominated for a Golden Globe. Coincidence? We at the Webulastic Logstastic think not.
Angelina Jolie/The Tourist: Haven’t seen it. And doesn’t she have, like thirteen kids to take care of? When does she even find time to pee, much less make a movie?
Julianne Moore/The Kids Are All Right: The second person from this movie to be nominated. Man. That must’ve been some dinner conversation.
Emma Stone/Easy A: Sorry, Emma. I saw your movie. I loved it. I loved you in it. You’re dorked. Right in the ear.
Best Actor: Comedy or Musical
Johnny Depp/Alice in Wonderland: Is it really acting when they’re just being themselves?
Johnny Depp/The Tourist: I believe my thoughts on all things The Tourist have been made clear, thank you. Let’s move on.
Paul Giamatti/Barney’s Version: Haven’t seen it. I love Paul Giamatti, but if this movie has anything to do with a giant purple dinosaur, he should probably just sit back, enjoy the ceremony, and bide his time for another shot another year.
Jake Gyllenhaal/Love and Other Drugs: I think any outstanding work he may or may not have done in this movie should be cancelled out by Prince of Persia. I’d rather rent Brokeback Mountain and watch him make out with Heath Ledger for two hours than sit through that again.
Kevin Spacey/Casino Jack: Haven’t seen it. I have no idea why, but this sounds like a combination live action/CGI movie about a kangaroo who lives in a casino. I may or may not see that. Depends on how well executed it is.
Whatever. Whoever wins Best Picture. What else ya got?
Best Original Song
No one cares. It’s like lighting the unity candle at a wedding: it’s inherently pointless and just put in there to drag out a ceremony that everyone already thinks is too long.
Best Original Score
This is Best Original Song’s more annoying cousin. If Best Original Song is the unity candle, Best Original Score is the unnecessary solo that gets thrown in so the bride’s fat sister will have something to do. They’re both there to draw out the time, and therefore the tension, before the big awards are announced, but this one is somehow even more irritating and difficult to sit through. Especially knowing that cake is coming soon after.
There you go: everything you could possibly want to know about the Golden Globe contenders. Just send me a percentage of your pool winnings and we’ll call it even.
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