Keith Sweat Isn’t Dead! You…You Mean He Was Alive All This Time?

So, there’s been a rumor going around that Keith Sweat is dead.  My heart pretty much stopped until I researched it and discovered he wasn’t.  Then I realized I had no idea who that is.

Looks like Jay-Z's little brother. But he does have that awesome monogram....

Oh yeah.  That guy.  Singer.  Alight.  Having not heard the guy’s name for about 15 years, I wondered if he’d made any music in the interim that I’d be familiar with.  Again, I researched it, and came to the conclusion that pretty much the only people who should currently be aware of him are people who buy CD’s like the following, all of which his music appears on:

This was actually billed as a "holiday album." I *$&# you not.

It's pretty bad when you have to black out the name of the album itself.

Is that Chris Brown? Well, at least he's not punching her.

I almost went ahead and showed you this one. It was pretty impressive. That entire black box is her ass. No lie.

So no, no music I should particularly be aware of.

After I got over my relief that this guy I hadn’t heard of since the early 90’s wasn’t dead after all, I wondered who else was still alive that I assumed had died or been shot into space or otherwise been swallowed up by the earth, yet never cared enough to find out for sure.  So here it is: five people whose non-deaths didn’t really effect me much either way:

1. Jerry Mathers

Famous for:

Being “The Beaver.”

Insert "beaver" jokes here. I'm too classy for that &%$*.

Looks like now:

Check again...are we sure he's not dead here?

Last seen:

In the 2008 Mother Goose Parade, which was led by grand marshal Tori Spelling.  No idea what that is, but I strongly suspect folks like Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep had “previous engagements” the day of the Mother Goose Parade.  Hell, folks like David Lee Roth and Pee Wee Herman probably had “previous engagements” that day….

"Some of us just have higher standards."

2. Lee Lee Sobieski

Famous for:

Being that one girl in Deep Impact. Plus some other stuff, I’m sure.  Also famous as “Helen Hunt went back in a time machine and restarted her own career.”

So, I noticed your mom's slightly more attractive than you...

For a while there, she was the “next big thing” in Hollywood.  She even got naked with Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut, which should be every young girl’s dream.

Until it actually happens.

Last seen: In The Last Film Festival.  Her credit?  “Stalker.”  That’s right.  She’s not even playing characters with names anymore.  Congratulations, you’ve gone from “a-list” to “struggling actress” in less time than it takes most folks to do the reverse.  The good news is, I think Bennigan’s is hiring waitresses.

3. Richard Dawson

Famous for:

Playing Cpl. Peter Newkirk in Hogan’s Heroes,

hosting/passing VD’s orally on Family Feud.

Survey says...syphillis!

Also, looking like a big ol’ pimp on The Match Game.

I'd dress like this every day if Wifebread let me.

The smarmy, overly-affectionate Dawson kinda dropped off the map after appearing in The Running Man, where he basically played himself.

Only he kissed Schwartzenegger less. Well, a little less.

Last seen:

Patiently waiting for this woman’s bra to fall off.  Or for his colostomy bag to fill up.  Whichever happened first.

4. Matt Frewer

Known for:

Being “Max Headroom,” the most psychologically disturbing product spokesman of all time.

"I will haunt your dreams."

I’m not sure what else there is to say about Matt Frewer, other than I frequently mistake him for Doc Brown from Back to the Future.

Last seen:

In the made-for-TV movie The Battle of the Bulbs.  I think all we need to know about that is presented here:

Cue "wa-wa-waaaa" music.

4. Ernest Borgnine

Best known for:

If you’re over 50, he’s best know for winning an Oscar for the movie Marty.

If you’re under 30, he’s best known as Mermaid Man from Spongebob Squarepants.

"My name is Ernest, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair." A little joke for the well-read out there.

Last seen:

In quite a lot, actually.  Dude’s made something like eight movies in the last two years.  If anything, he was probably last seen desperately panting for breath from keeping so busy.  For a freakin’ ninety-three year old.

Has anyone seen my oxygen tank? Or my teeth?

 

REMINDER: The Amazing Whitebread’s new book I, Superhero!! is available now!  For a FREE PDF copy of the first 1 1/2 chapters, just write me at whitebread@theamazingwhitebread.com and ask for it!

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