So, there’s been a rumor going around that Keith Sweat is dead. My heart pretty much stopped until I researched it and discovered he wasn’t. Then I realized I had no idea who that is.
Oh yeah. That guy. Singer. Alight. Having not heard the guy’s name for about 15 years, I wondered if he’d made any music in the interim that I’d be familiar with. Again, I researched it, and came to the conclusion that pretty much the only people who should currently be aware of him are people who buy CD’s like the following, all of which his music appears on:
So no, no music I should particularly be aware of.
After I got over my relief that this guy I hadn’t heard of since the early 90’s wasn’t dead after all, I wondered who else was still alive that I assumed had died or been shot into space or otherwise been swallowed up by the earth, yet never cared enough to find out for sure. So here it is: five people whose non-deaths didn’t really effect me much either way:
1. Jerry Mathers
Being “The Beaver.”
Looks like now:
In the 2008 Mother Goose Parade, which was led by grand marshal Tori Spelling. No idea what that is, but I strongly suspect folks like Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep had “previous engagements” the day of the Mother Goose Parade. Hell, folks like David Lee Roth and Pee Wee Herman probably had “previous engagements” that day….
2. Lee Lee Sobieski
Being that one girl in Deep Impact. Plus some other stuff, I’m sure. Also famous as “Helen Hunt went back in a time machine and restarted her own career.”
For a while there, she was the “next big thing” in Hollywood. She even got naked with Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut, which should be every young girl’s dream.
Last seen: In The Last Film Festival. Her credit? “Stalker.” That’s right. She’s not even playing characters with names anymore. Congratulations, you’ve gone from “a-list” to “struggling actress” in less time than it takes most folks to do the reverse. The good news is, I think Bennigan’s is hiring waitresses.
3. Richard Dawson
Playing Cpl. Peter Newkirk in Hogan’s Heroes,
hosting/passing VD’s orally on Family Feud.
Also, looking like a big ol’ pimp on The Match Game.
The smarmy, overly-affectionate Dawson kinda dropped off the map after appearing in The Running Man, where he basically played himself.
Patiently waiting for this woman’s bra to fall off. Or for his colostomy bag to fill up. Whichever happened first.
4. Matt Frewer
Being “Max Headroom,” the most psychologically disturbing product spokesman of all time.
I’m not sure what else there is to say about Matt Frewer, other than I frequently mistake him for Doc Brown from Back to the Future.
In the made-for-TV movie The Battle of the Bulbs. I think all we need to know about that is presented here:
4. Ernest Borgnine
Best known for:
If you’re over 50, he’s best know for winning an Oscar for the movie Marty.
If you’re under 30, he’s best known as Mermaid Man from Spongebob Squarepants.
In quite a lot, actually. Dude’s made something like eight movies in the last two years. If anything, he was probably last seen desperately panting for breath from keeping so busy. For a freakin’ ninety-three year old.
REMINDER: The Amazing Whitebread’s new book I, Superhero!! is available now! For a FREE PDF copy of the first 1 1/2 chapters, just write me at firstname.lastname@example.org and ask for it!