In honor of the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, I submit the following outline of the major events of World War II. (Disclaimer: All facts brought to you by the American public education system. So don’t blame me if the below isn’t 100% accurate.)
Dubya Dubya Two: A Chronological Outline
Septemberish: A humorless Germany invades Poland in an attempt to capture some of those “Polock” jokes they kept hearing about. Two days later, Britain and France declare war on Germany because, hey, nothing else was going on. The US says, “My name’s Paul, and this is between y’all,” returns to its Charleston contest.
Following Germany’s lead, Russia invades Finland. No one really notices. An emboldened Russia continues on to Norwegia. The Norwegians fight boldly and effectively until France arrives with reinforcements, at which time all resistance crumbles and Norwegia surrenders. France says “My bad, guys,” goes back to smoking little girly cigarettes and whoring around with hairy, unwashed chicks.
Mayish: In a historic election, Britain elects a chain-smoking bulldog Prime Minister.
Winston “Winnie” Churchill takes office the same day Germany starts its Blitzkrieg (literal translation: “blitz krieg”), a new form of warfare combining the Wehrmact (“We’re the mack.”), which consists of fast, armored tanks, and the Luftwaffe (“air waffles”), which dominates the skies.
Holland and Belgium quickly fall, and Germany moves on to France, which meet them at the border with a document outlining their unconditional surrender, grandfathered to the beginning of the year.
Germany turns its attention to Great Britain. Germany is unable to attack by land, since Britain is an island…or is it Germany that’s the island? I forget. Oh well. Six of one, a baker’s dozen of the other. Regardless, Germany uses its Air Waffle Brigade to launch “The Battle of Britain,” a battle fought solely in the skies. The Brits eventually pull out a squeaker in that one, which forces Germany to focus its attentions elsewhere.
In a classic mistake made my Charles XII of Sweden, Napoleon, and anyone else who’s never played Risk before, Hitler puts on his big boy pants and invades Russia. Events on this front initially go poorly for Russia, who can only throw up its hands and say, “What the hell man? I thought we were friends!” Then winter sets in. Or, as it’s known in Russia, “Holy #*@% I’m Freezing My ШароВ Off Season.” Apparently, Der Furher is unaware that Russian winters get a tit nipply, and soon the cold, combined with the Russian’s elite Bear Cavalry, brings the German war machine to a halt. Or as they say in German: “ halt.”
Oh, and around this time Italy, which for some reason is siding with Germany, maybe they lost a bet or something, invades North Africa. They spend the next few years futzing around in Ethiopia, where the Italians’ advanced military tactics and tanks are unable to force so much as a draw against the Ethiopians and their spears.
Despite a few setbacks, the war is actually going fairly well for the bad guys, also known as the “Axis Powers” in honor of the Milton Bradley game “Axis and Allies,” until the Japanese step squarely in it and pooch the screw for everyone. On December 7, 19somethingorother, the Japanese radical Islamic communists unexpectedly attack Pearl Harbor in what will forever be remembered as a totally dick move. Luckily for us, the US president at the time, Franklin “Teddy” Roosevelt, has mutant psychic abilities that allow him to see the attack coming.
Unluckily for us, Roosevelt owns a lot of stock in Halliburton, so he goes ahead and lets the attack happen so he’d have an excuse to invade Iraq and steal their oil. The commie Japanese kamikaze (translation: Hey sarge, why weren’t we issued helmets?) pilots destroy more than 350 ships, including the battleships Arizona and Oklahoma, and the Starship Enterprise.
After the attack, President Roosevelt makes his “Day of Infamy” speech, in which he famously states, “Yesterday, December 7, 19somethingorother—ooh, you bitches has done it now.” He then uses his psychic abilities to stand up out of his wheelchair, take off his shoe, and throw it at the screen. Intelligence later reports that, upon seeing this, Japan and Germany screamed like little girls and hid behind the recliner in the living room.
194somethingorother + 2
America now squarely in the center of things, as is should be, dammit, the Allies win a major victory at the Battle of Midway. This battle marks the turning point in the Pacific War, which I guess everyone should have foreseen at the time, given its name.
194somethingorother + 3
A bad year for Der Furher and his boys. First, they finally cry “Uncle Vanya” at Stalingrad, marking their first major defeat. At the same time, Germany’s U-boats are taking heavy losses, with much of the credit due to England’s code breakers. But to be honest, Germany was using last year’s Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring for classified communications, so it wasn’t that big a challenge.
Also, Italy surrenders. Remember Italy? Some time later, Mussolini (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the leader of Italy was Benito “Il Duce” Mussolini. “Il Duce” being Italian for “douchebag.”) is hung by the resistance. Well-hung, by all accounts.
On the Pacific front, American progress continues in the Aleutian Islands, New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, and other places no one heard of or cared about before or since.
194somethingorother + 4
During this year, the Allies make a buttload of progress. First, they land at Anzio and bomb the monastery at Monte Cassino. What the strategic value of this monastery is, I don’t know, nor do I care enough to find out. I also don’t know why they put a monastery in the middle of a gambling Mecca like Monte Cassino. Maybe to throw us off the scent.
194something+4 is most notable, however, for the allied invasion of France, known as D-Day. On this day, Tom Hanks and Vin Diesel lead the allies in a successful invasion of the French mainland (If there are any countries out there who haven’t successfully invaded France, please send us a postcard or something.) Thus starts the beginning of the end for Herr Hitler & Co.
194somethingorother + 5
The Russians march into Berlin. Hitler “kills himself” (wink wink, nudge nudge) before they arrive. Dr. Mengele smuggles his boss’ frozen head to South America, starts planning a series of crappy movies about Hitler being alive in South America to be released upon America during the 1970’s in a case of revenge being best served cold. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Germany surrenders.
With the Nazis out of the picture, the US focuses on the Islamo-commie terrorist in Japan. We suffer a flight setback when Roosevelt is brutally murdered by Magneto and his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.
America’s new president, Harry Tubman (founder of the Velvet Underground Railway, which provided a musical track for slaves escaping the north during the Civil War), decided to forgo an expensive, casualty-ridden invasion of Japan, and decided instead to just bomb the unholy piss out of them. Soon, America had dropped two nuclear bombs on Japan: one on Hiroshima, a second at some other place I’ve never been and couldn’t find on a map with a…well, with a map.
Then some other stuff happened, but that was pretty much it for ‘Merica vs. The Bad Guys. Until they thaw out Hitler’s brain, that is….
NOTE: Please don’t take this post as making light of the sacrifices made by the brave men and women who fought in World War II. Rather, it’s meant to point out the deficiencies on our educational system, which has given us the following statistics:
63% of Americans can’t find Iraq on a map.
90% can’t find Afghanistan.
50% can’t find New York state.
30% put the US population between 1 and 3 billion. (It’s around 300 million.)
74% believe English is the most commonly spoken language in the world.
In a recent survey, a large number of high school students “Mussolini” as a foreign country.
25% of high school students can’t identify Adolph Hitler.
Almost half can’t guess, within 50 years, when the Civil War was fought.
Nearly 25% of students believe Christopher Columbus sailed for the New World after 1750.
45% think that The Scarlet Letter is either about a witch trial or a piece of correspondence.
55% could not identify Oedipus in a survey.
40% don’t know the first world war was between 1900 and 1950.
72% don’t know Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the Canterbury Tales.
50% don’t know that the Bible’s Job is known for his patience in suffering.
So, a big thank you to our veterans for saving our asses. Sorry we sat on them and didn’t learn anything.