I’ve done it. After millenia of other failing, I’m the guy. “Which guy?” you ask. I’ll tell you. I’m the guy who came up with a solution to everything: poverty, teenage pregnancy, stupidity, welfare moms, lack of productivity…everything.
“How?” you scream at me, desperate for the answer.
Well first of all, stop yelling at me. I don’t respond to that kind of tone.
Secondly: OK, I’ll tell you. It’s pretty simple. In fact, it’s one word: castration.
Now, just wait and hear me out (I’m talking to the guys here—the women are already going for the hedge clippers.). We all know that the main reason guy are unproductive, angry, frustrated, violent, and generally douche-baggish, especially between the ages of 13 and 35. The cause of this doucebaggery? Horniness. The cause of the horniness? Hormones. The cause of hormones? Testicles. Balls. Nuts. Or, if you’re the more urban type, nutz. Two little spheres of tissue (or in Hitler’s case, one) have been the cause of more suffering and loss of productivity and than any other cause in history. So what’s the solution? Get rid of ’em. Just as they hit puberty, every man on earth should be castrated.
But not without first donating a healthy supply of baby batter to be frozen and stored away for future use, of course. But we’ll get to that later.
So what would be the immediate positive results of universal castration?
1. Increase in productivity.
It’s been established in study after study that men think about sex once every 7 – 57 seconds. That being the case, pictured below is a typical business meeting in a world with testicles:
In this example, the woman on the left is thinking about how to lower overhead, the woman on the right is thinking about ways to maximize their limited advertising budget, and the man is thinking “Good lord, I think I can see her bra. Well, I’m done for the day.”
In a world of castratii, however, the meeting would be closer to the following:
Guy 1: If we maximize synergy, we can…
Guy 2: We should really reallocate resources to support our core competencies….
Girl 1 : Dear god, please let someone ask me out soon. It’s been months….
Girl 2: Thank goodness I’m a lesbian!
2. 99% decrease in douchbaggery.
With loss of testicles, we’d immediately lose the type of behavior that made these guys infamous:
Plus, these guys would shrink up and disappear completely:
I’ll let the idea of a world without the above influences sink in a bit. Bask in it. It’s sunny. It’s warm. Every tear shall be wiped away, and there shall be no more grieving, for the old order of things has passed away.
3. 100% decrease in teen/unwanted pregnancies/big-ass welfare families.
Here’s where the frozen semen part kicks in. If and when someone decides they want to have a child, they’ll have to provide four documents to the National Baby Batter Bank: 1.) a marriage certificate; 2.) proof of employment showing you and your spouse earn enough money to raise the number of children you’re applying to have; 3.) the results of a recent IQ test, and 4.) notarized certificates from 10 witnesses, two of which must be Ph.D.’s in abnormal and criminal psychology, all affirming you and your spouse are fit to raise children.
As an added step, the woman must ask the man for it really, really nicely.
Then, and only then, will the fertilization frosting be retrieved from your spermatic safety deposit box.
So there you have it: no unwanted children, no families who can’t support their children, no imbeciles cranking out 8 kids to the genius couple’s 1. I know “eugenics” is dirty word, so I’ll just call it “family planning.” That already covers a lot of less-than-seemly areas, so it shouldn’t mind the company.
4. Substantial decrease in idiocy rate/bad decisions made by men.
This is a little-known fact (amongst the women-folk, at least), but when a man’s particularly full of, um, hormones, it’s as bad or worse than being drunk as far as bad decisions go. For example, both alcohol and hormones can lead a particularly effected guy to think he’s leaving a bar/club/wedding reception with this:
only to wake up later with this:
I mean, why would Prince Charles, who, despite his ears, and his nose, and his mouth, and his eyes, and his body, could have had more or less any English woman he wanted (Did I caveat that enough?), trade this:
Because his leather hackey sack told him to, that’s why. And even in his dotage, his genitals are still making him act like an ass:
Which leads me to another aspect of the depths to which men with enough hormones for 10 bull elephants raging through their bodies will sink to when rutting: uncontrollable groping/rubbing against stuff. I can’t explain it, but at a certain point, the sex fairies sprinkle their pixie dust on your lap, and you just have to touch something. Anything.
In our defense, this seems to be a purely mechanistic function of being male, outside any choice our higher thought processes have in the matter. My proof?
Even monkeys do it. Granted, that’s not much of a defense, but I’m clinging to what I can here.
So in summary, we have decreased bad behavior, decreased fiscal drain on our already craptastic economy, and a 10,000% increase in productivity. I guarantee you, if every male in Detroit was castrated tomorrow, they’d go from this:
in about 4 1/2 days. And that includes 2 days for the materials to be shipped.
Think about it, America.