I chose not to give at the office….

So, every year at work, they have this big campaign where they pass out a guide with the names of approximately 28,000 different approved charities, and then expect us comb through it looking for the one or two we’d like to donate to. At first I thought, The hell I’m looking through this phone book. I gave at the office. Then I realized this was the office, so that excuse didn’t fly. At that point, I got curious as to what was actually in there. Who, exactly, wanted my hard-earned cashola?

As I looked through page after page after page after page of charities, I noticed that quite a few had names which probably didn’t do justice (or give clarification) to their actual purpose. Below are some of the charities whose names created an initial perception in my mind which differered oh-so-slightly from their real missions:


American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee


Shalom, bitches.


Active today in more than 70 countries, JDC and its partners work to rescue Jewish lives at risk, bring relief to Jews in need, renew lost bonds to Jewish identity and Jewish culture, and help Israel overcome the social challenges of its most vulnerable citizens, both Jewish and non-Jewish. JDC reach extends beyond the global Jewish community by providing non-sectarian disaster relief and long-term development assistance worldwide.”

See? Slightly different.”

Blackland Prairie Raptor Center


I'd totally give truckloads of cash if this is what it was for.


Blackland Prairie Raptor Center is dedicated to environmental preservation through public education and the conservation of birds of prey and wildlife in their natural habitat.”

Bet they’d get a lot more donations if they cloned dinos.  Just sayin’.

Couple to Couple League International


"I'm talkin' 'bout WIFE SWAPPIN'!"

(Re: the above joke: if you haven’t seen Raising Arizona, go rent it.  Now.  I’ll wait.)


The Couple to Couple League (CCL) is an international, Catholic, non-profit organization dedicated to promoting and teaching fertility awareness (natural family planning) to married and engaged couples.”

I like my way better.

Gift of Adoption Fund, Inc.


"I know you wanted a Kindle, but this is better. Way better. It's a baby. Babies are better than Kindles."


The Gift of Adoption Fund is a national charitable organization that inspires adoption by providing grants to qualified parents – giving children who need families a permanent home and a chance to thrive.”

Again, more fun my way. Everyone love a surprise baby. Just go down to the welfare office and ask around….

Mano a Mano International Partners


"So Mom...Dad...this is Pedro...."


Our Mission: Creating Partnerships With Impoverished Bolivian Communities that Improve Health and Increase Economic Well-Being.”

Zzzzzzz…huh? What? Sorry. Dozed off there for a second. I don’t know why, but that happens any time someone mentions South Amerzzzzzzzzzzzz.

National Hook-Up of Black Women


Dang. Even baby's back got back.


Our national agenda dedicates itself to improving the lives of women and their families through support of the arts, culture, health, education, and human service programs.”

Zzzzzzz…huh? What? Sorry. Dozed off there for a second. I don’t know why, but that happens any time someone mentions the arts, culture, health, eduzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nonviolent Peaceforce


No words can express what I feel when I look at this picture. OK, maybe "Damn hippies," but that's as close as it gets.


As an unarmed, paid civilian peacekeeping force, we foster dialogue among parties in conflict and provide a protective presence for threatened civilians.”

So they’re like these guys, but with more money.

Older Women’s League



OWL is a national grassroots membership organization that focuses soley on improving the status and quality of life for midlife and older women.”

How they think they can do that more easily and cost-effectively than letting a younger man buy them a drink, I have no idea….

Touch Foundation, Inc.


Not sure what I think they do, but judging from the name, I'd wager every member looks like John Waters.


Many of the severe health crises in sub-Saharan Africa are caused or exacerbated by the chronic lack of health workers. The Touch Foundation is addressing this challenge directly by dramatically expanding a regional medical training college and teaching hospital in rural Tanzania.”

Well. I can’t very well make fun of that, now can I?

William J. Clinton Foundation


Fat chicks and cigars, man. Fat chicks and cigars.


William J. Clinton Foundation with the mission of strengthening the capacity of people throughout the world to meet the challenges of global interdependence.”

In keeping with the tone of his presidency, that’s about the most generalized, meaningless, non-committal BS description of a charity I’ve ever heard. That could mean anything. Touche, Mr. President. Touche.

Other charities whose names didn’t quite spark the divine fire of charity in my heart included:

Friends of Yad Sarah

I imagine a typical meeting going something like this:

Guy 1: You know Yad?

Guy 2: Yad Sarah?

Guy 1: Yeah.

Guy2: Yeah.

Guy1: Nice girl.

Guy2: Yeah. She is.

Guy1: Yeah.

Solar Light for Africa

A 75% AIDS rate, infant mortality at medieval levels, rampant government corruption, wars, genocide, and starvation – LET’S GET THOSE PEOPLE SOME GREEN LIGHTING OPTIONS!

Men Can Stop Rape

Not to make light of rape, but I think this should be renamed the “Incredibly Obvious Statement Society.” Then they can absorb “Pedophiles Can Stop Pedophilia,” “Murderers Can Stop Murder,” and “Kei$ha Can Stop Bad Music” into one overarching organization.

Boy’s Town of Italy

If it’s anything like “Boy’s Town” in Tijuana…well, just make sure you use cash, so your wife doesn’t see it pop up on your credit card statement.

Bryan’s House

I know Bryan. I’ve been to his house. It’s not as bad as he’s making it out to be. Save your money.

Children of Nicaragua Fabretto Foundation

No idea who this “Nicaragua Fabretto” chick is, but she can take care of her own damn kids. Same as whoever’s behind the ill-named Feed My Hungry Children charity. Feed y’own kids, ya lazy bum. I got my own hungry kids.


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