In a stunning turn of events no one saw coming, a murder has been commited in Celebration, FL, the “picture perfect” “Disney-themed community” located 5 miles south of Walt Disney World. The Disney Corp. created the town in 1989, saying they hoped to create a “wonderful residential town” “closer to Main Street than future world.”
Well, OK, no one saw it coming except the 89% of the population who thought living in a real-life Disney attraction sounded creepy to begin with. Possibly even creepier than the “villages” modeled after Thomas Kinkade’s vapid, emotionless travesties of art. And no, I’m not kidding.
In an effort to help local authorities, I’ve compiled a list of the most likely suspects, along with their aliases and last known whereabouts. Hopefully, this will help bring a quick resolution to the situation so the people of Celebration can go back to selling lemonade at roadside stands, putting apples pies on the windowsill to cool, or watching the Stepford Wives marathon on TV. Or whatever one does in a “perfect, Disney-themed community.”
Aliases: Killer G; The Mad German; Grumpopotamus
Group Affiliations: The Seven Dwarfs (suspected blood diamond merchants)
Wanted for: Assault with a deadly weapon (pickaxe); Desecration of a corpse; Generally being a jerk
Quote: “I like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and stored in the freezer.”
Last seen: Lingering suspiciously around Snow White’s crypt, waiting for everyone else to leave.
Aliases: The Barking Bandit; The Litter-Maker
Known associates: Jock (wanted for murder), Trusty (suspected bookie), Peg (madame, “Peg’s House of Bitches”)
Wanted for: Scamming female society dogs out of their money; Child support delinquency (37 counts); Intentionally passing the rabies virus
Quote: “Ruff! Ruff! Ruffruffruff!”
Last seen: Humping Jim Dear’s leg. Violently.
Real name: Alim al-Zularkhah al-Sabba al-Shakamaz
Group affiliations: Al-Qaeda, Hamas
Wanted for: Conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism; Possession of a weapon of mass destruction (genie)
Quote: Allahu Akbar!
Last seen: In Yemen, studying under Imam Anwar al-Awlaki. Due to his placement on TSA’s “no fly” list, “Aladdin” has not been seen in the US sindce 2001. However, intelligence indicates he recently had a “coyote” smuggle him across the Mexican border into the US, where he is believed to be posing as a day laborer named “Juan Gonzales.” If you encounter a day laborer named Juan Gonzales, please contact the FBI immediately.
Aliases: King of the Forest, Horns of Fury, MBD (Motherless Bastard Deer)
Wanted for: Goring park rangers; Arson
Quote: “No, no, the nickname ‘Flower’ is ironic, see? ‘Cause you smell like ass. And not in a good way.”
Last seen: The middle of Interstate 55. Um…yeah. It probably wasn’t Bambi.