So, I couldn’t think of anything to write about today, so I Googled “latest gossip” and learned that the woman who’s been stalking Jeff Goldblum since 2001 is getting out the a mental institution soon. Goldblum, understandably worried, asked a judge to renew his restraining order against Linda Ransom, but the judge refused, basically saying Goldblum had to wait until the woman actually threatened him again before he could get the order reinstated.
This is completely absurd! Ridiculous! Offensive, even! Jeff Goldbum has a stalker? I mean, seriously. Jeff “I Hacked an Alien Ship with my Mac” Goldblum has a feakin’ stalker? So not fair. Here is just a short list of those who deserve a stalker far, far more than him:
1. Nick Cage: Cage and Goldblum are probably on about the same level talent-wise, as well as on the “People Who Annoy Me for Some Indefinable Reason” scale, but at least Cage is out there making movies people — not a lot of people, sometimes, but people nontheless — want to see. In the last ten years, Cage has starred in such movies as Adaptation, Lord of War, Matchstick Men, National Treasure (I and II), and Kick Ass. How did Goldblum spend the last decade? Making steamers like Cats and Dogs, Man of the Year, The Switch, and Morning Glory (between stints on such powerful, cutting edge television show as Crank Yankers, Will and Grace, and Robbie the Reindeer in Legend of the Lost Tribe).
2. William Shatner: This pretty much goes without saying. In the last few years, Shatner has transformed himself from go-to punchline/massive tool to one of the coolest actors in Hollywood. How? Simply by acknowledging what a go-to punchline/massive tool he is. He’s like David Hasslehoff if Hasslehoff was a slightly better actor, or even Goldblum himself, if Goldblum was a slightly worse actor.
3. My wife: She’s a quality piece of ass. If anyone deserves a desperate loner watching her from the bushes, it’s her. Love you babe!
4. Clint Howard: Who? This guy:
“Hey,” you’re saying, “I recognize that guy! Who the hell is he again?”
He’s Clint Howard, that’s who. Don’t screw with him. With a resume going back to the 60’s, he’s been in dozens of movies, including Night Shift, Gung Ho, Splash, Cocoon, Parenthood, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Far and Away, The Rocketeer, Apollo 13, Austin Powers, Cindarella Man, Frost/Nixon, and Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. In addition, when he is slumming on TV, he slums in such shows as Sledge Hammer (a great, forgotten 80’s show), Hunter, Seinfeld, Heroes, My Name is Earl, and Arrested Development.
What was Golblum in again? Oh yeah: Cats & Dogs and Crank Yankers.
5. James Woods: Woods is one of those people who’s Hollywood A-list, but no one really knows why. He’s a great actor, but when you look at his resume, there’s nary a hit to be seen. So why’s he stalk-worthy? 4 reasons:
1. He’s famous. Again, we’re not sure why, but he is.
2. As a famous actor, he’s bound to be rich. I heard a rumor that chicks dig money, so that should help.
3. He has a genius-level IQ. Granted, that’s not as sexy as rich and famous, but some girls like guys with a well-endowed cranium. Which reminds me,
4. He’s rumored to be hung like a Clydesdale. I have no first-hand knowledge of this, but rumors usually do get started for a reason.
The above is my gift to the crazies of the world, along with this little bit of advice: Don’t stalk Jeff Goldblum. Please. Not for his sake, but for yours. Life’s too short to stalk the C-list.