We at The Amazing Whitebread’s Webulastic Logtastic care about you, your family, and your safety. Really we do. And so, in light of the approaching holiday, here are some food storage tips to make your Thanksgiving dinner fun, safe, and botulism-free.
We know you have plenty of options for your Thanksgiving dinner meats, so we’ve included food storage tips for several of the most popular:
Turkey: Stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in the fridge for up to a week.
Ham: Stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in the fridge for up to a week.
Turducken: Remove Mardis Gras beads from around its neck, pull LSU banner out of its ass, then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.
Possum/Squirrel: There are three options for these proteins.
1). For longer-term storage, make sure there are plenty of fresh blocks of ice in the large wooden “ice box” you use to house the rest of your road kill and varmint trophies. Then stick the leftovers in whatever crockery is available in your killshack and store for up to a week.
2.) If you’re merely storing it overnight, put the leftovers in a wet sack and hang from a high tree limb to keep save from bears, raccoons, and other pesky critters.
3.) If you can’t believe the depths to which your palate has sunk, throw the leftovers away, pack your bags, and move out of Arkansas.
N/A: There really shouldn’t be any left. Why is there? You a Comm’nist or somethin’? Huh? Huh?
If it’s real cranberry sauce, made with real cranberries, stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in the fridge for up to a week.
If it’s that crap that retains the shape of the can it came in, give it to the dog, unless you like your dog, in which case you should give it to the neighbor’s dog. Kick yourself in the ass for buying it in the first place.
Green Bean Casserole
If you’re like me, enjoy it and then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.
If you’re like my wife, question the existence of a loving God who would allow such a culinary abomination to see the light of day. Then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.
If it’s a homemade pecan pie, thank your mother/wife/significant other for loving you enough to bake one, then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in fridge for up to a week.
If it’s store-bought (other than Marie Callender’s), feel a touch of ennui bordering on depression that no one cared enough to bake you one, you lonely bastard, you. Then stick leftovers in Tupperware and store in your sad, empty fridge for up to a week.
If it is a Marie Callender’s, bury your face in it and eat your way to Nirvana. Scrape sticky remainder off face, liquify in blender, and take intravenously overnight to guarantee dreams of beauty, joy, and blinding existential insight into the nature of truth.
Those are pretty much the high point of any Thanksgiving dinner, plus The Office is on, so I’m outta here. Enjoy your holidays safely and responsibly: if you’re going to drink, drink hard liquor. Beer’s more filling and you’ll have less food for pie.
Now there – don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.