Between Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, among others, I’ve noticed lately that erectile dysfunction (ED) adds have become so prevalent on television that, if aliens lightyears away are picking up on our broadcasts, they’d have no choice but to assume 80% of all Earth males have FPPS(Floppy Pee Pee Syndrome. It’s a medical term.) Not only does this increase the risk of alien invasion (since they would think we’re all a bunch of older, polo-shirt-wearing castrati accountants who can’t get it up with two hands and a forklift), but the commercials raise several other issues, such as:
1. Could they be more obvious with the names? “Viagra?” “Levitra?” Might as well call it “Thrusthard,” or “Hoverdong.”
2. Why, when sex is implied, does the couple suddenly move from their nice, private, upper-middle-class domicile to the beach, or the woods, or somesuch other public place?
Are these drugs engorging men to the point they can no longer be trusted indoors? Are their newly airborne appendages knocking the good china off the shelves? Are they stumbling about their apartments, dazed and confused from all the blood rushing south, stabbing holes in the sheetrock with their rock-hard euphamisms?
Cialis is particularly bad about this. Every single commercial and print ad ends up with the couple inexplicably laying in seperate bathtubs on the beach. Dont’ believe me?
How do seperate bathtubs indicate torrid sexual excapades? Is he soaking his wingding in hot water in hopes of softening it a bit from its Viagra-induced state of ironlike rigidity out of consideration for his lady friend? Is she sitting in a vat of tenderizer in an attempt to ward off potential damage from his chemically-enhanced wee wee? Or are they both just hosing off after a 36-hour orgy of slow, awkward, unappealing, vardenafil HCL-fueled senior-tour matress tango?
3. And speaking of weekend-long horizontal mambo sessions, what’s the deal with the the timespans on these drugs? They all say that if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours to call your doctor immediately. Oh heck no. If I ever have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, I’m running to the nearest large crowd I can find and high-fiving every guy I see.
According to WebMD, Cialis lasts up to 36 hours. I hope that’s just the window you have to make use of your newfound ability to keep a round chambered in the ol’ love gun. A four hour erection sounds great, but 36 hours seems a bit over the top. If I had one that lasted that long, I’d probably spend the last 12 hours performing some sort of genitalia-centered exorcism, or banging it against a wall screaming “I just want my life back!”
If you disagree…for instance, if you think the idea of a marathon, 36-hour chub sounds appealing…feel free to drop a line and explain yourself.