To Grope or Not to Grope: The Saga of John Tyner and His Junk

My first reaction when I heard about the “don’t touch my junk” guy was, “Preach it, bro! Same goes for my package!”

If you haven’t heard about it yet, or are just too lazy to click on the link, the “don’t touch my junk” guy is John Tyner. Tyner made the news recently when he refused both the full-body scan (the one that basically gives TSA screeners a naked picture of you) and the new, more invasive pat-downs (Palms down, hands running up the inside of your thigh, romantic music playing softly in the background.). Tyner told the screener, “If you touch my junk, I’m going to have you arrested.” At that point, the screener fetched a manager, and Tyner likened the invasive pat-down to a “sexual assault.” When told that it wasn’t a sexual assault, Tyner stated, “Only because you’re the government.”

As I said, my initial response was completely, unreservedly, pro-non-junk-touching. If I want a creepy, mustachioed loner with a GED and one good eye feeling me up, I’m sure there are plenty of ads on Craigslist I could answer and get just that without the added cost of an airline ticket.

You...uh...you the guy I'm supposed to meet? Well, let's get this over with....

Once I calmed down, however, I could kinda see TSA’s point. Lest we forget, hijacked airplanes were used to kill 3,000 American citizens on American soil a few years ago. You may have heard about it. It was in the news quite a bit. I can’t really blame them for trying to head off something similar or, God forbid, worse, in the future. But what are we, as a society, willing to put up with in exchange for the hope of increased safety? We can’t try El Al-type security measures, as those would be considered racist. We can’t pat people down thoroughly or look at them through back-of-the-comic-book x-ray specs, because that’s an invasion of privacy.

So, if we can’t single out people who fit the profile of previous terrorists, and we can’t single out people for no reason at all and search them, what’s left? Do we go back to the standards that got 3,000 people killed in the first place? I’m not advocating one side or the other here. I honestly don’t know where I stand on this right now. I want to be safe, but I don’t want Uncle Fester copping a feel every time I fly, either.

Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone…?

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2 Responses to “To Grope or Not to Grope: The Saga of John Tyner and His Junk”

  1. Thistleryver Says:

    …And how come everytime I go through an airport they take me aside into a cubicle and check my carry-on luggage? Every TIME!

    They are supposed to pick random people out of the crowd going through customs but it’s always me. I don’t know what blacklist I’m on but I’m suspicious.


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