I So Feel Like Perez Hilton…

I’m not really one for celebrity gossip, but seeing as how I’m trying to attract traffic to the blog and Google Trends says “Eric Johnson Jessica Simpson engagement” is a hot search term right now, I’ll give it a shot. Here goes….

HOLY SH*TBALLS! Eric Johnson and Jessica Simpson are engaged! That’s so…awesome? Unexpected? Horrible?

Hmm. Apparently this is something millions of people care about, but I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to feel about it. Maybe that’s because I have no idea who Eric Johnson is. Pardon me for a sec’ while I consult Google, the Delphic Oracle of the 21st century….

Oh, OK, he’s some sort of football guy. As a resident of the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex, I seem to remember Simpson dating a guy named Romo and that not turning out very well for said Romo’s stats. Sooooo, good luck with all that, Mr. Johnson.

I searched for "famous football player." For all I know, this guy is marrying Jessica Simpson.



Just as an aside, Jessica Simpson’s quickly turning into one of those people who are famous solely for being famous. Didn’t she used to be a singer or something? When was the last time she had a hit song? Actually, it could have been yesterday for all I follow popular music, but I doubt it. I know she “starred” in some movies that bombed horrifically, too, but that shouldn’t make her any more famous than Rob Schneider, or Eddie Deezen. I mean, sure, she’s a hot blonde with tig ol’ bitties, but this is the age of the internet: hot blondes with tig ol’ bitties are a “Safe Search Off” Google click away these days. Hell, hotter blondes than her with tigger ol’ bitties are a dime a dozen.


Out of respect for my wife and the royal fit which would result if I spent the afternoon searching for "hot, big-breasted blondes" on the internet, please enjoy this picture of puppies instead.



Maybe she’s still famous because she says stuff like this (Quote from this site, in response to being asked whether Johnson was “the one for her.”):

I never go to it, because I already went there, so I’m not going to jinx myself it is for me now I’m very happy, I’m in a great place, and if right now may not last forever, I’d take it.”

WHAAAA? Granted, that’s awesomely incoherent, and society loves to celebrate and reward stupidity at all levels (Snooki, the success of Jackass 3-D at the box office, the vast majority of politicians). But still, it shouldn’t give her more than the 15 minutes of fame foisted upon Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina a few years ago after she gave her infamous answer about why 1/5 of Americans can’t find America on a world map.

Caitlin Upton: Attractive, blonde, big rack, stupid. Must be famous.

Well, whatever the reason, people seem to care about this engagement, and a tiny handful have clicked to this blog to read what I think about it. So here’s what I think about it: nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I’ve never met either one of them, didn’t even know who the guy was until five minutes ago. I couldn’t care less about their impending nuptials.

On second thought, I take that back. Here’s what I think: “Good luck, former singer and apparent sports guy. Given the unwarranted amount of scrutiny your relationship is going to suffer, you’ll need it.”


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